I don't even know how I feel anymore... All I know is that my whole body, mind and soul feels numb and when I want to cry, I can't. When I want to shout, I can't. When I want to tell someone how I feel, or write about how I feel to try to help me out of this, I can't.

Last night, a friend phoned me and straight away he asked me what was up. Because he knew that something wrong purely because I hadn't sent him a single text that day. I tried telling him, he guessed what a part of it was and we talked about it a little, but I still didn't feel better until he just distracted me from it and made me laugh. Somehow.

I don't even know what to say anymore, what to do to make me feel better. Connor asks what's wrong and I just can't tell him because even I don't know. I seriously just want to let go, give up, lie down and stop. Just stop. Being. Never "just be" again. Just do what everyone else keeps trying to do. I just want to lie down and go. Leave the World behind. I feel like no-one would notice if I slipped away.

I feel like everything that has ever happened to me --- the abuse --- happened for a reason, and I believe that reason is because I deserved it. You know, reading over my journal the other day, I read "I slammed the cupboard door..." That was because The Adoptive Mother had accused me of lying when I wasn't lying, she was the one lying and trying to take me for a fool. But I thought "maybe I WAS a bad kid, maybe I did do everything wrong, maybe everything was and still is my fault".

My own Twin tried to kill me, my Adoptive Parents tried to kill me, people around me now are trying to hurt me and kill me and I just.. I feel stuck and like there's no point anymore. I feel so hopeless.

I just want to let go. I wish I could feel happy with my life but I don't. Not anymore because everything's so wrong now

I'm sorry. I just needed to get this off my chest