I feel so depressed. I know i shouldn't say that flippantly but that is the only word i know to use. I usually say i feel sad but that doesn't quite match it.

I don't enjoy anything. I never have. Noone will believe me when i say that because there is usually one part of a persons life that they enjoy, even if it is just a tiny bit, but i can't think of one. I live my life on autopilot, i don't feel, i simply am. When i do give myself time to think all that comes flooding back is the depressive thoughts, and honestly they are getting so boring now. I'm boring.

I'm not interested in anything or anyone. I think about how i should be making friends, having relationships, generally living my life...and i can't be bothered. I know it matters to me deep down, but i'm too tired to care. I'm too tired to put on a mask, i'm too tired to pretend, i'm too tired to listen to anyone talk about anything, so i'm not much of a friend. I've lost all my friends because i'm too tired to talk to them.

I hurt really deeply. I really hate myself for doing this to myself. It is my fault i don't have real friends, that i am doing nothing with my life, that i'm in a job that i hate. All these things are changeable but i sit here and whallow. I deserve the depression.

I don't know where to turn anymore. I try to tell people how flat and grey everything is, how i wish i'd never been born, how i'd gladly give up my existance if it meant i could stop feeling this, how nothing matters...but it doesn't help. Noone can make me feel energy, enthusiasm, happiness, love. They can smile sympathetically, offer a hug and then wander off whilst i try and gather the courage to switch off and get through the next hour. I appear ungrateful, and i think, maybe, i am, because it doesn't mean much to me. I'm glad i have people that care, but i'm so numb nothing filters through, i wish i could reciprocate with real feelings instead of false gestures.

I'm not sure there is a way out of this. I should really just suck it up and maybe change everything in my life to get outta this rut. But i'm so so tired that i don't.

Anyway, don't mind me, i think i needed to admit to this. I find it hard admitting to these feelings of hopelessness and pointlessness when so many feel the same. I feel all i'm doing is polluting the cosmos with my negativity. I don't mind the anger, it fuels me, but this 'depression' is simply exhausting. I can't even be bothered to be.