Thanks Bluemoon,

I think it would be a legal risk for him to apologize for anything he did so I understand that. Perhaps after next July when I can't bring a complaint against him with APA due to it being 3 years since I last saw him, he might apologize but I am not holding my breath. But I must say I saw the "sorry" in his eyes after my last session with him, the next morning at the gym, after I started with another T, where I told him that I couldn't believe I would ever have to do EMDR because of HIM. I saw it in his eyes when he looked at me.

I guess our relationship in a nutshell would be:

It was normal the first 6 months then we ran into each other at the gym. Then things changed, instead of seeing him every 2 weeks, I saw him 2-3 times every week, in shorts never the less! lol Things became almost too comfortable with the both of us, our sessions started to go right into his lunch hour, maybe 20-30 min past my therapy time. It wasn't because I was having a tough time, we were just joking around socializing. I did like the extra attention because he was a fun guy to be around.

Well we found out that we had a ton in common, and a lot of coincidences or what I would call synchronicity moments. There was a mutual attraction between us, but for me it was mostly a spiritual connection. We keep running into each other at various of times in weird places. But our relationship slowly turned from professional to more personal.

He started to flirt big time at the gym, and I do admit it felt good that he was attracted to me, but I didn't want him to go there, because I knew it was wrong. We are both married, not to mention it was unethical. I tried to talk about his behavior inside and outside of the office but he refused to talk about it. I thought that was odd since he told me our therapy relationship was a practice model for the outside world, but yet he wouldn't even communicate with me and my concerns. (maybe that is normal a relationship for him?)
When I started in termination phase, his flirting increased and he would say some really sexually provocative things in therapy. I don't mean to make it sound like he was a dirty dog or anything like that, it was in a playful way.I liked this but it also make me feel unstable with my emotions concerning him. He wouldn't talk about what was going on, said we couldn't be friends, but his actions didn't support that at all.

Well we were going to do a light EMDR session for some stage fright I was having. Well during this some really bad stuff came up from my past. He said he was sorry because he should have known, it was his oversight. So we decided to continue with more therapy and stop the termination.

I was suppose to come up with specific childhood memories of abuse concerning me performing in regards to my mom to do EMDR. Well if you have been abused as much as I was, you can' t just come up with one solitary experience to work on. I was abused almost daily so it is all interweave together. I was also very scared because the one time near the the beginning of our therapy I had a bad experience of EMDR where it really drudged up some stuff I had tried to forget my whole life. I was nervous, scared and really feeling reluctant to do EMDR again. He didn't pick up on that.

So instead of staying objective, he got frustrated at me and started to yell at me. (which he has never done in the 2 1/2 yrs. of working with him.) I know now, some years later with therapy of my current T, I was triggered and his yelling scared me a lot. I actually remember the memory looking from the other side of the room.
I yelled back for him to stop yelling at me, had my hands over my head for protection and he said he wasn't yelling. I said well you were talking really load and scared me. He said that maybe he shouldn't have done that.
I said it feels like you hate me. He said when he yells at his wife or daughter it doesn't mean he hates them. I said, so you still like me then? He said that is a really odd question. I guess he understood my question different than what I said because he went to tell me that he didn't care about me, and if I died he probably wouldn't come to my funeral. I was devastated that someone I cared about very much, who I really liked and trusted would say such a mean thing to me. The hard part was the look on his face when he said it.

Through much EMDR and therapy, I have come to understand that look was one of fear. He had feelings for me, I knew this for a long time,(it was very obvious) but I think it really caught him off guard.
I saw this look before once in a session before he had to go to the heart doctor and he didn't know if they were going to put a tube down his throat to shock his heart. He got really frustrated with me because I couldn't decide on my next therapy time and he was worried he was going to late for his heart appointment right after my session. He got rude with me,I found this out afterwards, after I got upset and left a message on his phone, and he then said he was sorry, it wasn't me, but this thing of his.

So I know he handled this whole thing really badly, and I have right to feel angry and hurt, but I just can't hurt him back because what we had between us was a lot of chemistry and he was scared. I have worked on my anger and hurt with my current T and those feeling will probably still be there a little, but I don't hate him, I still care about him and still feel this connection to him. Something I have only felt with my grandma and old friend who died many years ago.

I started to write out my pain of what I was feeling, using his name, I didn't know that Google would pick that name up and it would be searchable by his name. But when I discovered it did, I didn't care because I tried to set up a meeting with my next T and him to discuss this, he got all pissy and my other T at the time said it wasn't in my best interest. My old T was being defensive and my new T didn't think he would be truthful with me, plus he said some thing about me that my T at the time wouldn't tell me because he felt it was his job to protect me. (it must not have been positive stuff, if my T couldn't tell me.) This made me VERY angry, I didn't do anything wrong for him to talk to me in a negative way. He was just trying save his butt, most T's I have talked to about this, can very clearly see this. He doesn't know they know the real story.

Since then I keep running into him, at very pivotal moments in my life.(he doesn't know that.) I just wanted to clear the air because I would rather it not feel so uncomfortable for the both of us.
I guess this got much longer than I intended, ( I left so much out) so I hope you could follow.