(((((((everyone))))))))

You guys are great. I don't know how I'd get through this without all of you!

I am feeling somewhat better. I think today was very much a recovery day for me. I slept for 14 hours last night, and I sort of just stayed in my pyjamas and watched tv and napped and didn't have to go out and do the usual routine of smiling and pretending I'm okay. I hate having to wait it out but I think it passes faster if I just let it run its course.

I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to get out and about a little bit. I have to, because I have no groceries and I've left my laundry to pile up and I have a ton of homework I've been ignoring. I hate how the depression just attacks me, and then I'm out of commission and I have to put my life on hold. I know it's the illness telling me all these terrible things about myself but what I don't get is why some days I can ignore those negative voices, and other days they're all I hear. I just want to get on with my life. I just want to be able to stand up to the depression. My life is a mess. Some of it is my fault, and some of it is because of the depression, but I just have this feeling like if I don't get things in order soon, I'm in for a REALLY rough time. I just can't go back to being depressed all the time. I can barely handle it when it hits me for a day or two.

I know exactly what I need to do. I know exactly what would make me happier. I know exactly the kind of person I WANT to be. I know exactly what I could do to stop hating myself so much. But all those things are terrifying and every time I try to take the plunge, I just freeze. And when I give in to my fear -- AGAIN -- those voices get even louder, telling me what a failure I am, telling me I'll never get what I want and I'll never be the person I want and I'm just going to hate my life forever because I don't have the guts to DO anything about the things that I don't like. Part of it comes down to accepting myself as I am, but there is a point where I know I have to step back and make a change. I have to bite the bullet and just DO it.

I just wish it weren't easier said than done. I have no idea how to turn off my fear. I have no idea how to make it less ... debilitating. I don't know how to get past my shyness. I don't know how to kick my *** into gear. I don't know how to stop pitying myself and actually DO something about my problems. I've gotten the meds, I've gotten the counselling, and I have worked through some of my issues, but only the external ones. The problems with my family. The problems with my relationship. The issues I can't seem to reach are the most fundamental, internal ones. The ones I can't even begin to talk about in counselling, the secrets I'm so ashamed of but that are eating me alive. Every time I try to bring it up to my counsellor, my throat just closes. I can't even bring myself to write half this stuff down. It's not even a huge deal, compared to a lot of people's problems. I know my issues are fairly common and I know my counsellor would be able to help me with them but I just ... can't. I can't talk to her, to my friends, to my family ... I've never even been able to get it all out here on PC. It's like these issues are buried so deep, and if I bring them to the surface I'm going to start crying and I'll never stop. It'll be a confirmation of those fears just to talk about them. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't keep living this half-life of mine. I WANT to live my life to the fullest. I want to have all the experiences other people my age have. I want to do great things with what I have. Depression or no depression, I can't admit the worst of my problems and i HATE myself for it. I hate my cowardice. I hate being ashamed all the time. I just want to be happy but I'm afraid I'm never going to be happy because I'm never going to be able to sort out the most fundamental problems in my life. The best I can do is bury them deep enough so that I can function.