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lynn09 · Nov 14, 2009, 10:24 PM

So glad you were able to just take a day off and "cocoon" (((((justfloating))))) - that's what works best for me, too, sometimes. I can really, really relate to what you are saying about the debilitating FEAR and not being able to talk or write about some of your deeper issues - I wasn't able to either for many, many years. Even now, there are some things that my abusive family members did that I just cannot speak or write about - I did finally tell one therapist about some of it, but I felt no relief in the telling of it. As for writing about it, I couldn't stand to even touch the paper on which the awful words were written - just too much. However, gaining strength in other areas, I really no longer have a need to speak or write about certain aspects of my family's abusive behavior towards me or about some of their personal abberant behaviors that absolutely disgust me even to know someone who would do such things. Ick!

I couldn't turn off my FEAR either, and it was crippling me - preventing me from living a real life. Long before I had a T, I developed little exercises for myself. I have always been very self-conscious in public as a result of all of the years of being told how worthless, ugly, useless, etc., I was (and apparently still am to them). I would go places by myself - like to a restaurant for lunch or dinner. At first, I could barely sit there and drink water or coffee - couldn't eat - afraid I would choke and others would notice me and wonder what right I had to be there. I kept doing this over and over again for years. Gradually, I got to where I could actually eat an entire meal without freaking out. I forced myself to be in plays and musicals, sing duets and solos, speak in public (AGONIZING!). From the moment I went on stage until I came off, I would remember absolutely nothing - nothing, but others would tell me that I performed perfectly (sheesh!). I went other places alone, too - museums, plays, concerts, etc., and I forced myself to live alone. I taught myself to feel the FEAR, but do it anyway. Don't get me wrong - it didn't happen overnight and sometimes I just couldn't do it - but everytime I did do it, it got easier and easier. I guess I've been at this for 40-45 years now - and sometimes I still have to work at it - still a little self-concious, and sometimes I just don't feel up to it, but the fear is no longer dictating my life.

Please don't get down on yourself because you can't just kick your ***** into gear - it just doesn't happen like that - at least, it didn't for me. IT IS HARD AND IT TAKES TIME - but, it can be done and it is so worth it. The "self-pity" that you regard as so distasteful is necessary - those who hurt you never showed you any pity - and it is right and appropriate for that injured part of you to be acknowledged and pity. It doesn't last forever - you can and will eventually no longer need it and will be able to move beyond it. You must not punish yourself for your feelings - you feel what you feel for a reason - acknowledge those feelings and recognize that you have every right in the world to feel them - in doing so, you help yourself to heal and move beyond them.

You have nothing to be ashamed about because you have no reason to judge yourself - that's one of those feelings that has been projected onto you by others to convince you that you deserve to be abused - and if others are not around to do it, then they want you to do it to yourself for them. Be patient with yourself - you will be able to express those deep internal "secrets" in time - the fact that you want so much to express them means that your psyche is working on preparing you to be able to express them - but you must feel safe with a T or someone and safe with yourself before you do. You really must learn to be kinder and gentler with and not put unrealistic expectations on yourself. You're only human, you know - you're not a superhero - just a young, vulnerable, human being struggling to live despite the damage inflicted upon you by others. Give yourself a break, (((justfloating))). You have a lot of people here in your corner to comfort and support you - and hopefully help you see your true worth.