is it something about me?

i've wrote in my previous post that i have some things to do recently so i dont think about my depression a lot like i always do, which is a great thing. i was a little busy preparing myself for my graduation day, i go out with my family for a few times (its a rare occasion), and then d-day of my graduation itself, and then my father getting another bachelor degree (his formal grad day), i met a few new people, im getting kinda close with my drinking-friend lately and go to places to kill times at night, i spent quite more time to chat with one of my old friend from college, im getting a little motivated to at least look for a job that i never thought i wanted that job at all before, im planning to get my *** into the gym to keep myself healthy. all the joy & laughter sure does help me a lot going through my depression. from there, i have a chance to meet some new things also. i tried to open myself for new things. it turns out i just cant keep up with it, i think. i know i am different than ordinary people out there, i dont belong there. i belong here, in my own state of mind. the suicidal thoughts is coming back at me, right in the face. i feel like i just want to inject myself with some poison and die in sleep. tired of myself. im sad when i cant stop thinking about suicide, nobody wants it, but something just keep haunting. i dont need a big ammount of friends, this is not about that, this is about how pathetic my life is, my self on the inside, my self for who & what i am, something that you can easily identified if you spend times with me, something that keeping me away from great opportunities out there. i was having a glimpse of desire to be a better man, but it seems even harder to reach. i found this quote once, "if life's ain't hard, then you never learn". but again, why everything seem like 10x harder to me.