Ever since an certain event that caused to get PTSD in 2007 I've felt different not able to be the parent I was despite depression, and anxiety, and OCD. PTSD seems to have taken my confidance as a parent. I dont trust my self to make friend that will not hurt me or my kids. I use to be the sort of person that helped my friend but when it back fired on me and I became the worst day of my life I became lost. I dont trust my self make safe friends i dont feel I have the right to put my kids at risk what if I miss judge a potencial friend again and some thing worse happens.

I cant get back to wanting and loving the idea of throwing my kids a b'day party. How do i trust that people I invite in my home or to be around my kids will be safe for them. How do I allow my self be responicable for the safty of other peoples kids. I know I put my self between the danger and the kids that I had at my house that day but I could not protect them from emotional distress. The parent blamed me like I could have avoided what happened I had know idea he would do what he did he was not even invited to the party. He was angry at his partner my friend. How do I get my personailty back my fun loving sprit back. I can I let my gaurd down take a risk again. I got so stressed out organising my 10y old birthday and that was so not fair to her. I have my sons 14y b'day coming up not metion my own b'day and sisters and brothers b'day november is b'day mth I so want to skip it I dont know how to face people in party situation anymore. I dont trust my self I want to beleaive it was a once off but I cant make it feel that way. I want to be a childcare worker but I've lots my beleaive that I'm a safe care giver that I can pretect kids enough for parants. I want my old self back I want to feel relaxed around kids I want to feel like I can protect them I want have fun and not feel like I be on the look out for danger. I spent most of my daughters b'day watching for danger I was so scared that the park was bad idea but I could not bare to have people at my house last xmas I spent most of the day on my computer trying to ignore the feeling of wanting run or sleep the day away. I want to enjoy this xmas again. I have not enjoyed xmas the last 2 years. I want to have BBQ at my house and invite people over that have kids but i dont feel thats a safe idea. I just thought all these feeling were anxiety and OCD related till my phycologist asked me if I thought it may be PTSD instead. I make sence it explains why it feels so different so new to me why i no longer have patiences why I snap so easily, I've never been short tempered before, I once stayed up for 48 hour with my youngest child when he was 11mth old because he would not settle only to realise he was having an asthma attack on the second night. he has silent asthma the only sign was his tummy being sucked in under his ribs I never forget that I think I was changing him when I noticed you still have to look under his shirt to see if he's having an attack. where my abilty to cope to deal with chalanges I want it back.