beautifulmadness,

as Babysteps said, you need to find some help irl and not leave until it's too late. I did that and also ended up in the emergency crisis unit because I felt so desperate that I could find no other way out of it but to end my life.

That is not a good plan. It just causes things to be worse in the end, whether you live or die.

Please talk to people irl and get some talking therapy and if needed, meds to help you through this. You know you will get through this soon, but you need to get some help with getting through it. You're experiencing the tpical symptoms of depression and if you go to your dr with these symptoms, he/she will be able to help you to find something that helps you through it.

I hope this has helped you some. Please don't leave it too late