((((((TPND)))))) Sorry that I had to run off. It sounds like you are really having a horrible time, love. There are some adults who feel that making mistakes is the worst they can do, because there is no forgiveness in their world. So, if they hit you, they have to make sure that they think that the blow was not a mistake, but the only possible response to something you did. and since no child deserves the type of abuse you recieved, then you in their world had to be an utter monster to force them to do that. That's how they try to keep the guilt and the shame of having f-d up once or twice. They can't forgive themselves, and what should have stopped as a spilt second smack and "Honey I shouldn't have done that, I'm sory" turns into years of systematic abuse.
Don't believe the lies, TPND. They needed them, Depression needed them, you assuredly do not. It's not worth having to live your adult life constantly fighting the battles that you actually won by surviving. You are strong, and I know that Connor and others besides myself know this. The pain is simply a phantom pain from a diseased part oof your life that you left behind. Try to remember that. IF you feel so badly, please consider getting in touch with your T or with the mergency room, dear. Hang on. Hugs till your eyeballs pop!