Lonegael, it's okay. I'm glad you've replied

I am having a pretty horrendous time... I woke up again in the middle of the night, lucky that I managed to get to sleep in the first place. It took me long enough. But yeah I woke up from a bad dream and couldn't sleep properly again until Connor turned over and put his arm around me again, in his nice, sound sleep. He's so lucky.

I'm scared of sleeping and do you know what the sad thing is? It's because of them that I'm afraid. They used to shoot me with a BB gun whilst I was sleeping. I used to sleep with my door open and the landing light on because I was afraid of the dark, I tried shutting my door but they still did it. How rude when I was a young lady and could've been sleeping naked for all they knew?! Funnily enough, my Adoptive Father walked in on me when I was just starting to get dressed. I was about 15 at this time. I went absolutely mad! He didn't even bother to knock. None of them did, hence me putting signs on my door to keep out or knock before they came in, only for them t be ignored and me be mocked for wanting people to knock before they came in!

Jeez. I just can't believe that the police have been of no use to me at all, the fact that it was NOT an officer who specialised in childhood abuse, but in rape, who interviewed me and she knew me from past rape cases so judged me and hated me from the start. She didn't even get the whole story out of me, she just got up and started to walk out, when I still had so much more to say! When I cried, she made me feel stupid, she said she wasn't going to listen to my crap and that I need mental help.

I feel let down. Hugely, awfully let down. I feel disgusted. I have since told my Twin after she spoke to me after the case and told me not to refer to her as my family or twin or anything to do with me, that she can try to come running to me when she's left all alone after a while, but she won't get anything from me. She knows what happened but she still lied about it and she even said "I'd choose Tom over you anyday" meaning she'd choose my abusers over me, she'd lie for them.

I don't have a T at the moment and I can't go to the emergeny room right now because of Connor. I'm safe until tomorrow at least because he's here with me, so...

The only thing I'm struggling with right now is my throat and breathing. It's burning from the endless purging and I'm sitting here feeling glad that no-one's commented on the fact that I've had no lunch and I don't plan to eat until dinner time and even then, I will only eat the veg from the roast that Connor and I have to cook for his family. I've got it all planned out in my head and I hate that I go through this ritual everyday and plan when the next day is that I can starve. It's endless.

I've been told by many that I deserve to be in "a mental hospital and kept there til the staff think I'm better which is never". My own Twin said this to me. I cannot believe how mcuh she has let me down, the times she has tried to kill me, knocked me out, pulled knives out on me, beaten me up until I can't stand anymore. I have asthma from the constant neglect, sore ribs from their abuse, bad knees from constantly being pushed to the floor.

I can't stand it anymore. I can't live with the memories and I know they'll be there forever so I just want to stop living and that will mean I don't live with this anymore. I don't want to be here if all there's ever gonna be is THIS.

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate the people who have let me down. I wish I'd died when I was 2 days old from the bronchiolitis.