Yer its like alcoholic who was sober for a while or years and took a stumble back ward with alcohole. Once you stumble back to SI your battle begins again to gain control and everyday you dont listen and get threw with out it is worth a big pat on the back. The intensity that the SI thought have some days makes me cry and want to scream GO AWAY as if it was real person standing next to screaming at me to SI the only problem is that its in my head and I cant walk away from the problem your forced to deal with it head on.
I stumbled about a mth ago and have many bad day that I thought would make me give in for sure but I too have not given in. I've cryed and been angry and tired of fighting my thoughts so tired its like holding a door shut when someone is trying to get in the room your in and you just dont want them to come in to your space. I feel like I'm at the point of exaustion and dont know if I can keep the door shut the next time the thought try to gain control over me.
I cryed the other night while having a shower from the stress of the images flashing threw my mind I just want to have a shower by my self with out the images I'd almost forget what it felt like to shower with those images. Its really strange I've had the images all my life yet now that I know they should not be there they are so much harder to cope with I some days which I never went on my medication cause I would not have got to know what it was like with out them. On the other hand I know that I was starting to have no life at all. Its strange it like wanting to feel nieve again wanting to stick my head back in the sand. I know its not helpfull but some times it feel more peacefull to be nieve.
Keep the strength going your doing well.