I always stuff up with people I dont handle criticizim or what it apears to me as criticizim. The word NO and simular scares me so much it's always made me cry and still does. I remember crying at school and getting teased... people think I cry cause I want my own way but that just not it the word scares me for reason its one of the worst tiggers I have for my anxiety. I know people have the right to say know I even respect people saying no...I get so frustrated with people who say yes and then act like you put a gun to there head. I hate asking family and friends for things not because I'm scare they say no but because I'm scared that if they do say no I will over react and make them feel like i wanted then to say yes. I hate guilt trips I dont like it when people do them to me and I absulotly dont like giving the impression that I'm trying to guilt people into helping me. Once I start crying I have to get away from the person because I'm scared they'll say something and feel the need to be defensive with them which will make the situation worse...I cant say I'm suffering anxiety people just think thats a lame excuse. Also I feel that letting people know I'm anxious is like demanding attention and I dont have the right to demand attention I get called an attenstion seeker enough with out giving people amunition to throw back at my face. I'm compleatly scared to show any typical sign anxiety for fear of being see/told to be an anttenstion seeker. I'd rather be called a B***** that an attenstion seeker I'd rather people think I was anti social than have them think I love attention. I hate attention I hate the feeling of people paying 100% attention to me because they think I want it I want them to want to pay attention to because they choose to not because they think I expect it. I wont even tell my partner what i want most of time because it feels empty when i get what i wanted after I told him I wanted it. I was raised by a mum who expection where way to high she was/is a obsessive and controlling person. even after I moved out home she would get things for me and then weeks later told me I owed her for what she gave me. You dont give people things and expect some thing in return, you can hope for a 2 way relationship but to expect and even demand it just so wrong. The same go for people who say yes when they really want to say no my partners sister very much like that and drives me batty I'll for lift to the shops and she says yes but when she get there and pick me up I sence stress in her posture I feel like I dont some thing wrong and when she hesitates on the phone now I have to reasure her over and over again that she can say no and I'll be ok with that but still she say yes and some times I feel she really wants to say no. Why do people do this I'm an easy going person that get confused very easy and I OCD over lies so bad I cant stand lies not even white lie. I dont like being around people who seem to being gritting there teeth and putting up with me. I dont feel like a demanding person yet people seem to treat me like a demanding person is it really so hard to be honerst with people. Do people really like living a life lies and doing things they dont like doing. I dont know if I'll ever be at peace with lieing or even white lies. I've started to hear my self tell a fue white lies to my friend cause I cant be around her some day she in a selfish phase and I cant handle being reject by her some some she makes excuses when eva I want to go to shop for me after going to the shops she wanted to go to. Shetells me she will come over to see me or meet me at the shops and then does not show up. I cant handle that right now and the more I hear my self making up lame excuses/fulse excuses to getting off the phone or to not meet up with her the more I feel my head starting to obsess about illegal issues that she talks about sometime and the more lies or illegal things I hear the closer I feel to pushing her away like I did with all my other friends.
I just dont want to ruin the one friendship I have left.