Well, I haven't posted on this forum in a long long time. And I mostly post in the Psychotherapy forum when I do. But here I am.

I'm feeling so sad because I seem unable to get over a past relationship. This relationship ended several years ago. I've even had another relationship since (which didn't work out), but I'm still in pain daily when I think about the old one. I was involved with a really wonderful guy -- had a really great time but couldn't seem to figure out what I wanted. I lost that relationship because I had a lot of trouble with communication, and also because I was afraid to take a chance on having that relationship grow to a new level (okay, so I was a commitment-phobe). I've since done a lot of therapy and believe I'm getting better at communicating and would fare better in a relationship. Problem is: I really only want my ex. I don't feel like I'd be able to love anyone else. I don't think I have love to give any more. I'm not even very good at being friends. After my breakup with my ex, I avoided a lot of people because I couldn't stand to be near my ex (and he and I had many many mutual friends). I stayed away so long that I stopped feeling close to any of them. Now I just get sad if I see them. I mostly find it hard to see any of them at all.

I feel lonely but don't think I can date again. I tried putting myself onto a dating site, but I mostly just stress out if anyone tries to contact me. I don't feel attracted to anyone. I ache every time I remember that I lost a relationship that should have been right for me. I feel like I've blown my chances in life.

I'm 39. I realize I probably won't have a family now either. It wasn't a huge dream of mine to have children, but it is sort of sad to realize that I'll probably never have the chance. Even if I found someone new, I'd want to be with them a long time before considering anything like that. And I'd say, biologically, it's too late for that. So that's another thing I'm sad about.

I wish I could just go out and date and be all optimistic and enthusiastic and meet someone and have fun and get involved and all that. But all I really do is beat myself up because of the relationship that I lost. I don't want anyone else. I feel better when I see my therapist, but I can't seem to hold onto that feeling better. I don't have the energy to search and search for a new relationship when I already know that I screwed up one that was really great. I'd be searching for something that I already had and lost. I end up mired in self-hatred.

I wish I could find some sort of meaning in life without a love relationship. I don't know if I can manage that either. How does anyone?

I'm sad a lot.

Thanks for reading.
Sidony