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Nov 15, 2009, 09:15 PM
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Title says it basically .gif "Sad Girl")
I've been trying to make this topic for awhile but I'm never satisfied with the way I put it and keep deleting it so yeah... but these past few days this had been bothering me a lot so I wanted to talk about it. I don't really want to talk to my T about it because well... he is an older gentleman... so that would be kind of awkward.
To put things simply, I have never been in love with someone. A crush maybe once or twice if you can call getting the giggles around someone a crush  . That is until I started high school and I got a crush on one of my guy friends... or so everybody told me but I just thought I just wanted to be closer friends with him. Once I figured out hey- I might actually like him more then a friend I bounced back and forth between that thought and the previous. Eventually he got a girlfriend... a really crappy one, which he was with for about 2 years, then one day after she broke up with him for no good reason he had the "what the hell was I thinking?" moment and he stayed broken up with her. Now he might be in another relationship with I different girl. You know with teenagers these things are never clear. He is the closest person I've ever come towards loving, and even so to me it is debatable how I actually feel.
The fear aspect is the same kind that goes along with friends, families, strangers, the fear that is based upon the belief that no matter what I'm going to make someone mad at me for some reason, even if the reason is really stupid. But on top of that the thought of actually loving someone makes me feel vulnerable, it's not a matter of whether or not I have feelings for a person but also actually trusting them enough. This isn't even counting sexuality which in an of itself is a while new can of worms...
I guess where the angst about all this is coming from is that I feel like I'm missing out on a really great part of life, that the older I get the worse it will get (to be this way), and I just don't know about this side of myself very well...
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