Wow, I haven't been on this website forever and ever and ever. But I feel like writing again so hopefully no one will shun me. ;-)

I recently had some of the best sessions I've ever had with my T. Told him how I feel about doing group therapy with him. I'm in group therapy, and I have a hard time talking and I feel embarrassed and I don't know how helpful it really is (why do I keep doing it? I don't know). But a lot of the reason I feel that way is because I like my therapist so much that it makes it hard for me to have him see me interacting with the group. Basically because I feel like a big-time dope. So I said so. I said "I would never have joined a group that you weren't running, but I'd probably fare better in a group that you weren't in." He asked me why, and I said it was because I liked him so much that I hated him watching me struggle. I remember feeling so embarrassed that I could feel all the skin on my body. I could feel it sitting there on top of my bones. :-) I think I said it because the session felt unconnected or lame or something, so I just tried to do something with it. Anyway, we talked briefly about that but the session was almost over.

The next week I came back and didn't say anything regarding it, but after a minute he said "so last week you were telling me that you loved me." Okay, so those weren't the exact words, but yeah that's what I meant. So I said so. At some other point in the session (and I'm sure I get this all out of order), he said that the reason I didn't find some things annoying about him (I'm virtually never annoyed at him, I think he's great) was because I "viewed him compassionately." I remembered that phrase and it became important to me later. Because at some other point in the session, he said "you do know that I love you too." I loved hearing that but felt embarrassed at the same time. So I said thank-you to him (which I think was a dumb thing to say). Later on that evening, long after the session, I remembered and felt stupid for that answer. But then I remembered him talking about viewing him compassionately and decided he probably viewed me compassionately too. So it didn't matter if it was a dumb thing to say. And it's not like he doesn't know I love him!

The next week I told him the bit about believing that he viewed me compassionately and how I went on to stop feeling stupid about saying thanks and to feel good about how we discussed the love between us. He said what we were talking about was at the heart of therapy, that it was something that felt good to both of us, that he was proud of me, and some other related stuff about how my being able to develop love for him might make it more likely for me to seek it in real life. I think those were my favorite sessions ever.

Sidony