I wonder if you really desire it as you say it make you sick.... some time OCD can make you think things that are just not true... EG I hit a person with my can....I have to go back and check....they check and noone was there but they still feel strongly that it happened they cant get it out of there head it just there as constant thought telling I hit some one I know I did I have to check again. that why people with OCD repeat compulsion.
I use to strongly beleaive that I would run my self into wall and know my self out... then my kids would be alone.... then I would be a bad parent.... then I would have my kids taken away.... then I'd go crazy.... then I get locked up in a padded cell. All my obsessions always came to back being locked up in a padded cell(my worse fear). I also use to get intence sexual thoughts that i felt sickened by and i would take steps to avoide the possablity of them comeing true. I could never let my kids be naked for too long as my head would just give me a slide show of the worst things that I might do to my kids if thay were naked too long....I've never done anything bad to my kids or any kids. At the time it felt like it was posable and I would almost convince my self that by being with my partner sexually was some how really me abusing my kids sexually. at the time it felt so real but since being on meds I dont feel that way anymore. I still remember feeling that way in past and feel like a dream now. Like I've finally truly awake everything before meds feels like a really long and bad dream. i still see the images that use to scare me but they dont make me feel like a bad person. I know by action that I have never been a bad person it was just my thought make me feel that way.