I keep thinking about this all weekend, I know my T wants to process this some more along with a hundred other things I know we need to work on. But she will be gone all the next week so I don't want to get into anything too heavy. I know she will want to talk about this because it is so huge what I did.

One thing I keep thinking about is when I talked to him he mentioned something I wrote about him on rate your doctor sort of thing. I said the he thinks he is right and can be defensive. I said if you want doctor who focuses on you, see someone else. I said if you want someone who preforms magic tricks, juggles for you and tell jokes, go to a comedy club because it is cheaper. He may not have liked my comments, but it IS true.

I truly meant it, the sessions always seem to focus on him in the later stages, it felt like I was his T. He spend much of the hour with his rants, or his philosophical arguments or him joking around.

Now since him, I have had two T's who has put me first and we worked on issues. My 2nd T told me that therapy shouldn't have ever been that much fun. He was right. I was actually looking forward to my session because they were fun. He was a fun guy and I liked to have fun. I could see if I was a very quiet client or a child and he was trying to get me to open up to talk or something, and maybe those things would help some. But I was always engaged, had no problem talking especially with things we talked about. I guess I still look back on this and wonder why I stayed as long as I did. I guess it was hard not to leave.

He would never believe me when I said that I wasn't okay. He would say something to the effect that I am just on a different level or something. How could he not see that I had a lot of issues from my childhood? Sure it looked like on the surface I was doing well, honor student, playing the trumpet, exercising, etc. , but that didn't mean I was "okay".

I have told both my T's after him not to be sucked into the illusion that I was okay because I was doing really good things in my life according to a lot of people's standards, but it was avoidance or a running away from the real issues. It was much easier to study for test, practice for a performance, etc. then to deal with traumatic memories of abuse and torture. I think this is all because he lost his objectivity in working with me, he saw what he wanted to see. He once said that he did a damn good job with me. I was thinking we only touched the surface of my issues. I tried to tell him but he wasn't listening.

My current T is so centered on me, it is rather scary at times. The focus has never been on her, and that sure leaves a lot of time for therapy. lol Sometimes it feels like too much time when you are in the "hot seat." But I feel I am doing good work that is helping me. I could laugh all day with her too, but that wouldn't help me with my issues.