Thanks headintheclouds (good name btw). It is strange how the simple words 'thank you for sharing your pain with us' really helps me feel connected and that someone is listening. It means a lot. I never listen to my feelings so it is always a surprise when someone else takes the time to listen to them! take care of yourself too.

Rohag, i'm really quite sad that you understood my post, simply because i wouldn't wish my existance upon anyone. Thank you for your kind words, sometimes i feel so darn fake i forget that the fakeness is all in an effort to make other peoples lives easier. I hope you find the motivation in your life, despite how hard it can be.

Thank you Berries, i'm genuinely surprised that 2 people thanked me for posting my whines. I obviously don't believe it (it isn't in my nature to think people genuinely care, this says nothing about the people that say this though!! no offence intended to anyone!!!), but egotistically it is still nice to hear. I feel i've been depressed for a lifetime and i want to feel joy, love and excitement because i'm not sure i ever have. It is demoralising to live without these feelings. I cope, but there isn't much point in coping sometimes. I have a therapist but no meds. Therapy is helping, not so much with the depression but with the deep internal pain. Slow going though and i get frustrated. Thank you for your wishes and prayers, they are more than appreciated. take care.