I just feel that my mental health is deterorating fast.Sometimes I just feel so full of anger and resentment I feel like throwing things around and breaking things around the house,but the sound of things breaking kinda gets on my nerves and frustrates me a bit,so I usually don't do it.But then there are these horrible times where all my anger pops out and it is scary,a couple of weeks ago I was out on the streets screaming to a 40-something stranger(I'm 18),yelling out dirty words on the street in front of my little brother.I know I should,and when this happened to me in the past I always did,but I don't feel a tad bit ashamed of it now,actually everytime I find that same man on the street I just wish he could say something to me so I could scream to him a little more and blow out some more steam.In the past(but not in the past month)I have threatned people.I am usually quite pacific and proud myself on being very controlled and kind to everyone,quite able to handle people's conflicts,but sometimes I just lose it,and lately I've been losing it a lot.I keep wishing people could do something harmful to me so I would have a reason to yell at them.

Also,I have this times where my mood changes to black without anything in particular causing it to change.It starts off normal,then it escalades through all shades of grey,then it is full blown black and I just stand in a corner thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking and hating everyone and pitying myself.It's just a downward spiral of self-loath and anger.

I currently hate everyone,and feel abandoned and left out.I am a very understanding,intuitive person who genuinely likes to take care of others and who is very good at guessing people's moods and nurturing them;yet,I find that people can never,ever,pick on my moods and help bring me up when I'm down.I feel that I have no real friends,no one who will be there for me unconditionally,one of my best friends can't even come see me in the weekends because he thinks we live too far way(we're 30 minutes apart...by walk.He could take the bus and be here in less than five minutes!I have walked to his house a million times in the past!),he basicly puts other people ahead of me.My own boyfriend puts his own needs ahead of mine,and I have grown to ressent him a LOT and feel that he is only with me for the sex.I am plotting and endless revenge against those who have hurt me.I am quite good at picking up on people's weaknesses and I have never,ever used this to my advantage but now I couldn't care less,look where being good has brought me.

I wasn't like this person before.I wasn't exacly a saint,well far from it,but I was always kind and generous and very giving and understanding.I genuinely enjoeyd people,and getting along with people,and though I have always felt very lonely and not loved enough I was far from being 'evil'.Now I feel like the evil character from children's cartoons.I cannot love myself,seeing how mean my thoughts are.At the same time,while I used to blame it all on me before and put the whole weight of the world on my back,now I feel like the world is wrong,not me.I was wronged.

My lame mom says she can't afford a consultation with my psychiatrist this month,when I know she can.I don't have an income yet,so I depend on her and my father.I just wish I could have someone to talk to,but being that she won't take me to a psychiatrist who will I be talking to?

I have a handfull of problems at hand right now.I got kicked out of the house by my parents in the Summer,my parents split a month ago,my boyfriend and I split up a million times,and I'll have to wait until December to find out if I have uterine/endometrial cancer,the HVP virus or an infection.Plus,my driving exam is fast approaching,and today while practicing I hit the car on a tree.It's just too much for me to take at one time!

You may be wondering why I'm posting this under the bipolar section...well,I've battling depression for almost four years and I was diagnosed bipolar by two pedopsychiatrists a while ago.I'm on Depakine,Risperdal and sertraline but it isn't really helping out.I have taken all sorts of drugs,especially antipsychotics,but they do nothing but leave me sleepy.

This just all feels very desperating...