To me it almost sounds like narcissism. When people are narcissistic they don't have empathy for others. If he is in a good mood and you aren't he doesn't empathize with you. Or, on the other hand, if he is upset, he views everything you say as being upset even if you aren't. Like if he is in a bad mood or really upset and you are excited about something he might only focus on the bad.

Its really hard to deal with people like that because they tend to never take responsibility for themselves. Its hard to distinguish what is your fault and what isn't when someone acts like that all the time. I have dealt with it before and I always ended up apologizing and questioning whether I had a real reason to be upset, and I did, but he convinced me otherwise so I was always in the wrong.

How old is he? I only ask because once someone gets to a certain age I imagine theyre pretty set in their ways by that time. I don't think an ultimatum is the way to go because it sounds like he would say "fine, go" even if he didn't want it, just to prove himself. I think that you should write down everything you're feeling and give it to him in a letter when you're not around. If he is by himself he wont have time to turn it around on you and he wont have any tones to interpret wrong. If he is upset he is going to hear what he wants to hear, but if he is simply reading a letter, it might be easier to get the words instead of the tone.

I'm not sure I would bring up counseling just yet. If it suits you, I would see a therapist by yourself first and then, after talking it through with your counselor, invite your husband to come along. That way it wont make him feel like the reason you're going is only because of him. He will feel like he is participating instead of being put on the chopping block. And he might want to go anyways. I dated a guy that hated not knowing what I was talking to a stranger about for an hour every week and begged me to come along.

Either way, I think you need to evaluate what you're willing to go through to sacrifice your mental health. The main thing to focus on is yourself.