I know exactly what you mean about blah and gray. That is how I feel most of the time. I haven't allowed myself to feel the damaging thoughts, like wanting to end my life or self-hate. It is just blah. I always try to remember my family whenever I start to slide down the slope even the tiniest bit. It is not their fault that I am blah, sad, feeling nothing, etc. So, I figure I could not bare the idea of them hurting because I ended my life or hurt myself in some way.

I think living in blah and gray without thoughts of an end makes things harder. Unfortunately, I have found that this world is pretty disappointing and we can only think of how our actions could impact others that we care about.

Wish you well.