((((((((((Abby)))))))))))


It sounds to me like you're having a really tough time of things, and I'm sorry for that. The good news is that you're not alone in your feelings. This isn't "just you", it's the depression. There IS a cause for how you're feeling and it is in no way your fault any more than it would be your fault for having cancer or MS.

Upon reading your posts, the first thing that jumps to my mind is, "Wow, she's got it bad", and it makes me sad for you because I know EXACTLY how you feel. Some of the thoughts you're having right now I've had too ... scum of the earth, melodramatic, it's my fault, I deserve this, etc. Those thoughts are LIES being told to you by an extremely powerful disorder. My depression has made my life miserable. It stole away my self-confidence, it makes me live a kind of half-life where I'm constantly exhausted, drained, numb, angry, and just plain miserable. It makes me hate myself, doubt myself, negate my achievements and dwell on my failures. Depression has become my total undoing and I'm only now starting to pick up the pieces.

You can get through this. I'm glad you're in therapy, that's a very healthy thing to be doing and it will help you get through some of your personal issues. If you would like to try medication again, make an appointment with your GP if that's who you trust. You will be going to your doctor with a real medical problem and he/she will not in ANY way think you're wasting their time. This is what doctors get paid to do. I know how important it is to find a doctor you can really trust and rely on. I go to school in Scotland and am most comfortable with my doctor here even though I live in Canada, to the point where I will actually wait until I'm back in Scotland to see this doctor because I feel she "gets" me and my depression better than my doctor back home. You're not wasting anyone's time. You're ill, and that is certainly not your fault.