Quote:
Originally Posted by Abby
I feel so depressed. I know i shouldn't say that flippantly but that is the only word i know to use. I usually say i feel sad but that doesn't quite match it.
I don't enjoy anything. I never have. Noone will believe me when i say that because there is usually one part of a persons life that they enjoy, even if it is just a tiny bit, but i can't think of one. I live my life on autopilot, i don't feel, i simply am. When i do give myself time to think all that comes flooding back is the depressive thoughts, and honestly they are getting so boring now. I'm boring.
I'm not interested in anything or anyone. I think about how i should be making friends, having relationships, generally living my life...and i can't be bothered. I know it matters to me deep down, but i'm too tired to care. I'm too tired to put on a mask, i'm too tired to pretend, i'm too tired to listen to anyone talk about anything, so i'm not much of a friend. I've lost all my friends because i'm too tired to talk to them.
I hurt really deeply. I really hate myself for doing this to myself. It is my fault i don't have real friends, that i am doing nothing with my life, that i'm in a job that i hate. All these things are changeable but i sit here and whallow. I deserve the depression.
I don't know where to turn anymore. I try to tell people how flat and grey everything is, how i wish i'd never been born, how i'd gladly give up my existance if it meant i could stop feeling this, how nothing matters...but it doesn't help. Noone can make me feel energy, enthusiasm, happiness, love. They can smile sympathetically, offer a hug and then wander off whilst i try and gather the courage to switch off and get through the next hour. I appear ungrateful, and i think, maybe, i am, because it doesn't mean much to me. I'm glad i have people that care, but i'm so numb nothing filters through, i wish i could reciprocate with real feelings instead of false gestures.
I'm not sure there is a way out of this. I should really just suck it up and maybe change everything in my life to get outta this rut. But i'm so so tired that i don't.
Anyway, don't mind me, i think i needed to admit to this. I find it hard admitting to these feelings of hopelessness and pointlessness when so many feel the same. I feel all i'm doing is polluting the cosmos with my negativity. I don't mind the anger, it fuels me, but this 'depression' is simply exhausting. I can't even be bothered to be.
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I'm sorry you feel like it is not a good feeling at all but I think you need to allow you self to take a brack to focus on your self dont try to make your self feel worse because you have run of energy to show or do things you think other poeple expect.
Some thing that I read when i was really depressed and could not give my self positve thoughts was really helpfull to me its not a quick fix and a little bit like CBT I sopose. I read something about writing positive things down and looking at when you cant make your self be positive for eva reason. i kind took that a little further and started puting positive poems or photos of great memory's on the walls of my house because I did not trust my self to be about go and get the book that wrote the positive things in. Suround your self with things that make smile even if just little smile .. not with things that make you feel bad in any way. It may be a joke or a funny picture it dosn't have to be serious if it serious and about life its more likly to make you remember what you cant give your self or other right now just find things that really have nothing to do with life and everything about trying to bring a smile to you face even for a second.
when the brain becomes clinicly depressed it send out chemical message to recall other things with the same chemical marker, when you smile either on purpose or because something was worth smile about you brain send out the happy chemical the chemical that Anti D's try to mimic and then you brain trys to find other things with the same marker. Just some info that I came across on the internet not quite as technical as what I really read but you should get the idea of what i saying I HOPE.
best thing I ever did when i was facing my depessing mood was use words like I have the right....... I will .... I can..... I allowed my self the space to just BE for a while I tryed not to focus on negative things but I also let my self have some time out from fighting with the negative feelings.... dont tell you self off dont say I cant.... or I didn't....I will never.... and set your self a unrealistive expectiation like I have to snap out it.... but mostly if you hear a negative word in you head try to force you self to say it in a more positive way even if you dont beleaive what your saying at first just be positive.