All of a sudden, I feel sort of heavy and numb. I was fine when I woke up -- I was even looking forward to the day. But I got confused and unnecessarily anxious before my first class today, and even though I know I was at the right room, I didn't recognize the teacher and I was too embarrassed to ask if I was in the right place (in hindsight my prof is probably away and this was a sub, I'm so stupid not to have thought of that). And by giving into that anxiety I just caused myself more worry. I'm worried about my attendance record (which hasn't been great lately), about not being able to catch up, about the prof hating me and the other students wondering who the heck I am when I actually do turn up. I feel like everyone is just staring at me all the time wondering what's wrong with me. I'm worried about my grades, too. I only got a 14.5 on my last assignment (here we get grades out of 20, but it's a messed up system because a 5/20 is a pass and an 11 is like 70% while a 14 is around 80%, it's really stupid and confusing). I keep telling myself that 14.5 is fine, I'm right where I should be because it's what you need to progress into fourth year, but I did that assignment at the last minute, I made a bunch of stupid little mistakes I can't BELIEVE I missed. And that was the easy translation because it was from French into English. I have way more trouble translating from English to French, so if I got a 14.5 on this assignment it's almost guaranteed to be quite a bit lower on the next one, which will be an English to French translation. My tutor probably thinks I'm an idiot or lazy or both for having overlooked such simple mistakes. And I am lazy because I couldn't be bothered to do the translation until the night before and I just wanted to get it over with instead of really applying myself and trying hard to make it as good as possible. I wasn't paying attention. I never do anymore, I just do my work to get it out of the way.

I have one more class today, it's in an hour and I'm considering skipping it. I shouldn't -- there's no reason to -- but the thought of being around other people right now makes me feel sick. I like that course though, and I like the prof, and I find the discussion pretty interesting. If I skipped it for a good reason, like working on one of the 3 essays I have due or reading one of the two novels I haven't finished for my lit classes, maybe I could justify it, but right now what I really want is to go home, make a cup of tea and curl up in bed to watch Glee because the music is so happy and carefree and I just want to be taken away for a little while. By the time I get out of class it'll be dark, which I hate too, I hate walking home in the dark, it's always so gloomy. I need to go home and call the doctor too, because I have to make an appointment to get my meds checked, and I left her phone number there. By the time I get home from class her office will be closed.

Last year, my counsellor sent a letter to my department informing them that my attendance and the quality of my work might be compromised for medical reasons. She offered, and it took me a few weeks to accept. This year, I'd LOVE for her to send that letter, but I don't want to ask. If I ask, it means I'm lazy and just looking for an easy way out. There's no reason I can't go to my classes or do better on my work, I'm just not trying hard enough and I don't deserve any special treatment. I don't really deserve to go to this school, I have no idea why they even let someone like me in.