I don't understand. Why do these waves keep coming? Why am I so unlikeable, unlovable? The only peace Ifind tonight is to sit in the basement in total darkness typing this just to keep the light on the phone. Nothing I do is right, nothing is good enough.

I can see the disappointment, disgust amd worst of all the disinterest in their eyes. "Why is she bothering me? Can't she see I am only being polite? I have more important things to do. Better people to talk to. When she finally leave me alone?"

But I can't. I keep going back. Trying to earn the respect, the friendship, the interest, the love I so clearly am not going to receive - perhaps not even deserving of.

So why not just stop? Why not honor their hopes, their wishes and just leave? I am even too week to do that.

So I pretend I don't notice. I don't see the disappointment, the disgust, and worst of all the disinterest and sit in the dark, in the basement, typing just to keep the light on my phone.