Thanks BlueMoon!

I had my session today and I had trouble assessing my emotions. I feel RAGE and I told her, but like she said she would never know it by looking at me. She said I am a pro at masking my feelings. I have learned to mask my emotions so well, for having them as a child would have been dangerous for me. But for the longest time I couldn't even tell her what it was I felt. Even during the hard stuff like EMDR, I have tears, but not gut wrenching cries. (the cries that I know I have inside, like the rage.) But for me and those tears she sees, are like magnified 100 times inside of me. Tears were dangerous to me as a child, so even showing a little of that surprises me.

We talked about so many things concerning my first T it sort of feels like a whirlwind. I think he knows how I feel because he has seen my poetry and other things on the net. But I don't think he accepts his responsibilities for what he did. And when he wished me luck with my future, etc on that phone call, it sounds like those typical greeters when you walk into *****art or something. It didn't sound genuine. We talked alot about his behaviors and it seems like we have come to the conclusion that he is really removed from his own feelings. Even my 2nd T who was a close colleague thought so. He told me once that a lot of T's become so desensitized to human emotions, it is hard for them. He told me he still has kept his warmth for his clients and if he ever didn't feel that way, he would quit. We often talked about this on how my first T was rather cold. I asked my first T how he can stay so uninvolved with clients feelings, and he told me he doesn't get involved with them in the first place. He also has low self esteem, he puts his body down, he says If I really knew him I would not like him, etc. Plus when you find a male who acts like they have this huge ego, it is really masking insecurities. He is smart but he uses that to make himself feel above others. He made lots of comments about stupid people who he say annoy him. She has seen this behavior when she has met with him in T groups once in awhile.
I talked about how this spiritual connection I feel with him used to feel really good, gave me a sense of comfort, but now it is laden with pain. It hurts to still feel connected to him in this way, I just want to cut him out of me somehow.

It is one thing for someone close to you like a relative or friend to hurt you, but when it comes to a T who does this, it is astronomically painful. We should be able to trust them and by giving the vulnerability that we do to work on ourselves, makes it all the more important for them to stay objective. When we lose that, when T's hurt their clients ethically, it cuts very DEEP to the core. It feels worse than what my abusive parents did to me. I consider myself a very strong person most of the time and knowing the hurt that I feel because of him, it isn't hard for me to see that a lot of times these kinds of situations result in much more severe tragedy.

I told my T that I just wanted to sit on top of him and make him look at me and make him listen to me on how his actions hurt me. But I think he would still be in denial of it.
My T said what I did was HUGE with apologizing for what I did, even though the stuff he did to me was 100times worse. I faced it and him and I can hold my head of high, I am not a bad person, I just got angry at him and did some embarrassing things. But at least I acknowledged MY wrong doing, what is his excuse? Who looks like the real *** now?
Sorry for rambling on and on. I see her again on Thurs. to tie up everything so I can survive through Thanksgiving and my classes. Whew!