hi radio flyer,

If you and/or your son are depressed, chances are you'll be showing some of these symptoms:

Depression is often characterized by a lack of energy. A lot of people with depression have problems with sleep, either getting too much or too little (for example, when my depression's at its worst I will sleep for up to 22 hours a day). They may eat too much or hardly at all. They may gain or lose weight. It causes low self-esteem and lack of motivation/interest in previously enjoyed activities. It's more obvious in some people than in others that they're depressed. It can cause crying a lot/very easily, irritability, or restlessness. Depressives are very good at "faking it" -- smiling and pretending everything is fine. We wear a mask in public and around the people we love. I am told by my counsellor (as I have a hard time noticing these things about myself) that when my depression takes hold of me she can see an instant change in the way I carry myself. I have a hard time making eye contact, I don't stand up straight, I almost shuffle when I walk. There's no spring in my step and when I smile it doesn't reach my eyes. My voice gets quiet and there's less expression in my tone. She told me once that it looks a lot like I'm sleepwalking. Depression also includes thoughts of death/dying, thoughts of/attempted suicide or self-harm.

I don't know about your transference theory. It's possible both you and your son are depressed because depression has been shown to run in families (for instance my mother, aunt and grandmother have all suffered from depression). I do know that children pick up on a lot more than we give them credit for, so your son may very well know that you're not feeling right. I can instinctively tell when something is wrong with my parents, especially my mother just by the tone of her voice, and I do adjust my behaviour accordingly. Children tend to take a lot of their cues from their parents as well, so your son may very well be mimicking some of your behaviour, but more importantly your mindsets -- if you're a pessimist, for example, it's likely your son will learn pessimism from you. I'm not sure if you can "transfer" depression as an illness itself, but it seems reasonable to me that your son might be taking on some of the mindsets or behaviours depression causes. (That's just a theory, I'm no expert by any means! It might be something you'd consider asking a psychologist?)

You're right that you won't be able to take care of him properly without also taking care of yourself. Have you talked to your son about any of your issues? What about some of his? Have you discussed the way you and he are feeling with one another and does he think he's depressed? Have either of you been to counselling? I would suggest you get checked out by a doctor, first to clear you of other physical causes for your depressed feelings (thyroid problems, also inherited, for example) and then to get a diagnosis and possibly medication if that's something you'd be open to.

Let us know how you and your son are doing. Good luck