I wasn't sure if this was the best place to post this, or in "Grief and Loss," even though I haven't lost my mom--yet. I'm worried about her, because she's elderly and in poor shape.

Her doctor told her she could go through with the colonoscopy she's supposed to have, but that she might not survive the procedure. My sister and I, plus my boyfriend (my mom asked his opinion) have all told her not to put herself through it if she's afraid. She's not had colon cancer, so chances are, she's okay. (She has had polyps, and skin cancer.)

She cries a bit when she talks about dying, even though she tries to hide it. I can hear it in her voice. I don't get to see her much; I have to rely on my boyfriend for transportation, and drum corps season just ended, so I'll have more chances to go out, but even so, I won't get to see her much. My OCD makes it hard to be around people, and I feel angry at myself for not being stronger than the OCD, letting it keep me from touching people, living a normal life, hugging my mom. I'm on all these pills, and there are improvements, but there's so far to go.

I keep thinking of what it must be like, knowing your death isn't far away, and being so afraid. I worry what it'll be like for me, if I live to old age. I can't stand thinking of her being all alone and scared and maybe panicky (I don't think she's ever had a panic attack, but I'm pretty sure she has an undiagnosed anxiety disorder of some kind, the way she worries and easily gets upset). And I offer to go be with her, but she tells me she doesn't want to "mess [me] up" and I'm too cowardly with my OCD to tell her it doesn't matter, or lie and tell her I'll be okay. Instead, I tell her I'll come anyway if she really wants me to, but she won't tell me to come over knowing how hard it'll be for me. I'm such a selfish, cowardly b****.

I've been really depressed lately, just in a near-constant state of depression, like there's dark clouds hanging over me all the time. I don't want her to be scared. I don't want her to suffer. I want to be there for her. I hate myself.

I just needed to tell someone. Thanks for listening, those that take the time to read this.