BPD was offereed to me as an explanation and I was asked by my T if I felt it discribed me but I still have some reservation about it....

-------The symptoms of borderline patients are similar to those for which most people seek psychiatric help: depression, ---this is me-----

mood swings, ----I'm told this was me and I remeber people reacting to me strangly but I really never saw the mood swings -----

the use and abuse of drugs, ----never touched them----

alcohol, ----rarely drink ----

or food ---dont over eat if anything I use to refuse to eat when I was younger----

as a means of trying to feel better; obsessions, ----always have----

phobias, -----I sopose so as I have panic attack----

feelings of emptiness and loneliness, ----only when I'm around people I feel invisable ----

inability to tolerate being alone. -----I love being alone or at least I use to before the PTSD kicked in----

In addition, these patients displayed great difficulties in controlling ragefulness; ----never been in a rage eva----

they were unusually impulsive, -----I dont think I'm impulsive in a negative way at least----

they fell in and out of love suddenly;----in a 15y realationship been together since we were 16y------

they tended to idealize other people and then abruptly despise them. -----I have rought friendship and I proberly do idealize them to a point but when I brack the friendship up it because of an illegal or immoral issues that i cant get over and I've only despieed one person in my life and I cant figure out why her excpet that there is too many negative things that she did to my partner and I and our kids that i just cant forgive her for. It never happened abruptly from my point of view cause I had been obsessing trying to ignore my obsession till i no longer could anymore but to the person it seem sudden cause I have never let on I was troublw dealing with things about the friendship------

A consequence of all this was that they typically looked for help from a therapist and then suddenly quit in terrible disappointment and anger.----never-----

Underneath all these symptoms, therapists began to see in borderline people an inability to tolerate the levels of anxiety,----would explain why I cant function in the real world like opther people---

frustration,-----easily frustrated by the way the world works----

rejection ----i try to reject people before thay can reject me---

and loss that most people are able to put up with,----fue people can handle my personality and I dont understand why----

an inability to soothe and comfort themselves when they become upset,-----I agree on some level as I dont cope like other people do with the way the world works----

and an inability to control the impulses toward the expression, ------I controled them very well for the most part but when I loose it with a person I let it all out nothing gets left in my head----

through action, ----never done any action to hurt people----

of love and hate that most people are able to hold in check. -----I keep love and hate well controlled I just struggle to feel like I fit in and understand my feelings enough to express them in the right context---

What seems to be of central importance in the symptoms and difficulties mentioned above is that the hallmark of the "borderline" personality is great difficulty in holding on to a stable, consistent sense of one's self: "What am I?" these people ask. "My life is in chaos; sometimes I feel like I can do anything—other times I want to die because I feel so incompetent, helpless and loathsome. I'm a lot of different people instead of being just one person." ----I feel like this big time or at least I did before I was put on luvox I still some days get like this normally after a negative incounter with another person but as far as who I am in my home life I have never struggled just struggeled with how I fit in to big wide world out side my front door.----

The one word that best characterizes borderline personality is "instability." Emotions are unstable, fluctuating wildly, often for no discernible reason. -------this is how people discribe me and react to me I never felt like the mood change was not warrented-----

Thought processes are unstable—rational and clear at times, quite extreme and distorted at other times.----only about illegal and immoral issues-----

Behavior is unstable—often with periods of excellent conduct, high efficiency and trustworthiness alternating------never eva felt like this eva and people have never reacted to me in way that would make me feel they thought this about me-----

with outbreaks of regression to childlike states of helplessness and anger, -----get called childish alot but that because I refuse to accept the world for what it is-----

suddenly quitting a job,------only had a fue jobs and yes this happened because I could not deal with the way i was feeling about the people I was working with I felt I had to remove my self to make them safe from me-----

withdrawing into isolation, ----YES to protect people from me I would get intence intrusive thoughts and images that made me feel like I was a danger to people----

failing. -----I fail at interacting with life out side my house----

Self control is unstable leading to impulsive behaviors and chaotic relationships. -----I think I have amazing self control to ignore 99 out 100 impulses in my head but to the out side world it was like I was impulsive cause I was an obsessive thinker----

A person with borderline personality disorder may sacrifice themselves for others, -----ALL the time----

only to reach their limit and suddenly fly into rageful reproaches, ---- I would not say ragefull but very full on approch when i finally reached my limit-----

or they may curry favor through obedient submission only to rebel, ----NEVER been submissive hated letting anyone have any sort of control over me----

out of the blue, in a tantrum.-------I was upset and angry but had good reason to be most of the time-----

Associated with this instability is terrible anxiety, guilt and self-loathing-----BIG TIME-----

for which relief is sought at any cost—medicine,----NO----
drugs,-----NO-------
alcohol,-----NO------
overeating,------NO-------
suicide.-------though about it once at 16y but the thought of still current boy friend stopped me------

Sadly, oddly, self-injury is discovered-------- YES but I have no given in as many time as it pops in to my head but I become very disresses when tyring to ignore it-------

by many borderline people to provide faster relief than anything else—cutting or burning themselves stops the anxiety temporarily.

The effect upon others of all this trouble is profound: family members never know what to expect from their volatile child,------YES-----
siblings,
or spouse,----aparently but I never hurt his feeling the way I have with my family------

except they know they can expect trouble: suicide threats ----never----
and attempts,-----NOT that they know of----

self-inflicted injuries,-----which my mum stuck her head in the sand about----

outbursts of rage and recrimination,------NOT rage anger and never physical ever-----

impulsive marriages,-----never-----
divorces, -------never------
pregnancies --------it could be said but I was ready for every one of my kids-----

and abortions; -----never------

repeated starting and stopping of jobs and school careers,------never but been too scared to try as when I get anxiety and panic of being judged i freack out and run------

and a pervasive sense, on the part of the family, of being unable to help.-----they dont want to try my partner has never had problem with being to comfort me with out pampering my every whim-------

I dont know do I have it or not cause think most of my friendship problems have been OCD related not BPD......