Thanks hurley for taking the time to reply to my post. I agree, the gray blah endless feeling is the worst because it tarnishes everything. I am like a ghost floating through life, i don't cause that much fuss but, if i allow myself the liberty, i would wonder what is the point of this joyless life. I agree, this world is disappointing so i try hard not to add my own negativity to my real life world....i figure that i'm here, i may hate that fact but it is reality, so i might as well not make everyone elses life hell also. It sounds like we are very similar. Take care of yourself, i hope you find some happiness.

Thankyou justfloating (your name sounds like my ghost-like feelings) for such a caring, kind post. I'm not so sure if these feelings are depression or just reality. I've felt this since i was young so i cannot remember a time when i didn't feel this way. If it isn't me, it has certainly become a part of me. It would be easier to believe it was an illness if i could distinguish between me and the depression, but all i know is that life is for other people, not for me. I am really sorry that you are having to cope with depression feelings, i do not like hearing of other people suffering knowing that i can't do a single thing to help. If i could, know that i would. You certainly don't deserve to feel such self-hatred because you have been very kind in replying to my post. I'm really glad you have a GP that listens to you, though that is certainly a hell of a distance to travel for a dr that cares! I don't think the medical profession are going to help me, but therapy may, at least that is the hope when i go.

Thankyou mum2four for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. With therapy i have been making more time to focus on how i feel and less on other peoples expectations, but i've not yet been convinced how everyone knowing my depressing thoughts would be beneficial. I like the idea of putting up things that create more positive feelings. I shall try and set my mind to recognise anything that makes me smile in the day! In regards to using better words, that is something that scares me a lot because i feel those words 'i will, i can' etc simply imply 'i must'. The idea of trying to change my thoughts conjures up really horrid feelings of having to deny my feelings and makes them better. I know that this is not what you suggested, but it still scares me a lot. Take care.

Thank you Berries for being interested. I appreciate you saying that you want to listen. That means a lot to me. In my real life, i have nowhere to talk except in therapy. That sounds really pathetic doesn't it? It isn't that my family don't care, but i find it so hard to admit how chronic this depression is. It does get boring after awhile, and i know they want me to be happy, and i'd feel bad if i told them the truth - that i don't think happiness exists....well at least not for me. Take care of yourself.