Good luck with the doc, I don't envy you at all. Wish I could be there for support though.

"I realize that alot of my stress is due to him - he certainly fosters my low self-esteem issues."

He fosters and contibutes greatly to your problems and self esteem issues.

"The bigger issue lies within myself and my own emotional problems."

The answer does lie within us. Part of that is not to heal somehow and THEN lose the stuff that is a major contributor. It is to realize what is contributing and cut it from your life so you CAN heal.

"I think if I was able to ever get a handle on those, I might be capable of dealing with him and cleaning up the mess"

I really believe that as long as you are in that relationship you will constantly and consistantly be pushed to the edge. Mary Alice, you are wanting to end your life. You are strong and courageous. You have support here and I know your T will support you in making a major life decision for the good. I know it's not easy but your life and the life of your son is at stake. Nothing will change. He won't change, he will continue to make your life the hell that it DOES NOT need to be.

Imagine peace, coming home to just Alex and being loved. Not being nagged for cigs, not being yelled at for whatever he can come up with. Not feeling worthless because someone makes you feels that way.

Just imagine.

You said you were a step out the door once but I believe you back surgery held things up.

What stops you from doing something you were ready to do before? Talk to me my friend.
Hugs,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell