I am not holding it together. I'm having flashbacks, body memories, and hyper arousal to the max. I completely dissociated half of my last T session, because we went to far with ego state work. My clonazapam dosage is doing nothing to take the edge off of my anxiety, which physically is through the roof. But I'm reluctant to increase the dose. My urges to drink or cut are overwhelming but so far I've avoided both. All of this has been triggered by my abusers sister (my cousin) getting in touch with me. It's a good thing I'm in a low stress job as I can barely concentrate.

I feel intrusive rage that I don't know how to deal with as well as overwhelming sadness. I alternate between the two.

My T tonight brought up relationships and said she could see me in a relationship soon. The only problem is the thought of heterosexual intimacy provokes extreme thoughts of violence in me. I'm scared of how I'd respond - the reason I've avoided intimate relationships all of my life.

I feel like I've reached a crisis point and I don't know how to get through it.

--splitimage