I'm putting a trigger icon on this just to be on the safe side.

I do not resemble, in any way, shape or form the person I thought I would be at this stage in my life. Be it mentally, physically or emotionally, nothing about who or what I am fits that unrealistic poppycock today. Best laid plans gone awry?

Well, there are some good points...I am more enlightened than I used to be. I did go through hell and have found myself on the other side. Don't I get points for that? But I've gotta tell you, the last 10 years have been a limbo existence. And now, I've found another section of hell and I wonder if there's another side at all. I haven't found it, yet. No sighs of relief for me.

I feel as if I've been swatting at air trying to get a semblance of control in a situation that is well beyond most any control. I am at my last straw with this situation and I just don't see any good solutions at this point. My p-doc understands and helps me with her guidance.

I'm giving it my all one more time, and if it doesn't work then I have to take a huge step back and do a serious evaluation.

Some of you know, I'm not a profuse poster with serious stuff like this. Please, may I have some support?

Now, a little rambling...my style

Why? Why or why?
I've given everything...money, pride, self respect
I've done all the running and you...not so much.
I've finally had enough.
I'm furious
I'm angry
I'm so hurt
I respected and trusted you
Betrayer! Betrayer, that's how I see it.
Curse words inserted here
More curse words inserted here.

Yeah, I've got a part in this, but I am doing something
Not you.
I want to slap all my anger into you...I say it, not do it.
Want to wake you up, get you jump started somewhere, somehow.
Somehow. You just ignore the big fat arse elephant staring you in the face.
One more try and then I've got to take care of me.

It is that dire.

It's swirling and swirling, all around my head and my soul, all down the drain. I am so powerless. I hate this feeling. Hate it, brings a flood of emotions down on me. I am maintaining as best as I can.
Recognizing my powerlessness and taking my hands off as best I can, but also doing what I can, what I have to. Tricky, tricky balancing act.

Damn the best laid plans! I was very busy with them, and then out of the prettiest blue...my world was irrefutably rocked. Plans are what suffer when life happens. Oh, and those who are in the plan...that's where the collateral damage truly is.

PC has been very, very helpful to me keeping my sanity for the last year. For this I am grateful. Love to all of you. One or two of you have been lifesavers...I don't say that lightly. You know who you are. My deepest love to you.

The sorrow in my tears stings flowing from my eyes.
Words are not enough...