I have no control over my life any more. I am at the mercy of my brain chemistry, it seems, and that brain chemistry is more than a little screwed up right now. My counsellor thinks that my meds probably need adjusting, or at least looking into, because I'm experiencing mood swings that come out of nowhere, sleep disturbances (I can't remember the last time I slept through the night) and I've gotten really fidgety lately, which is weird for me because I've never had problems sitting still and now it's like I'm just twitching all the time (one reason I can't sleep is I can't lay still long enough to fall asleep). On top of that, I have NO ability to cope. The slightest problem comes up and I'm absolutely floored. If it's raining, I don't take an umbrella, I just don't go out. If I'm late for a class, I just don't bother. If I come across a passage in a textbook I don't understand, I just stop reading. I just can't wrap my head around anything any more, it's like all my problem-solving skills went out the window. If I get worked up, I can't calm down. My mind is absolutely racing ALL THE TIME and I can't hold onto a thought very long before something completely unrelated comes into my head. I get really anxious for no reason, and being around people makes me feel so tired and paranoid that they hate me that I can't do anything else, like concentrate on a lecture or participate in a discussion.

This isn't me. This has never been me, not even when my depression was at its worst. There haven't been any external triggers -- my life is actually going a lot more smoothly in terms of my relationships, my interest in my courses, my preparation for the future, my family, etc. I got out of a toxic relationship and feel much freer because of it. I am more confident than I've ever been before, and I believe a lot of it has to do with therapy. But something just isn't right. I made a doctor's appointment, but I couldn't get in until next week, same thing with my counsellor. The only upside to any of this is that since my mind exploded (which is how I'm thinking of it) I've been at my most creative, because idea after idea keeps flying into my head. My writing is the only thing I CAN focus on right now, and even that takes a LOT of willpower. I don't understand most of my journal entries and my mood diary has no real pattern to it, I'm just EVERYWHERE.

This is so frustrating! I just want it fixed! I was getting a handle on my life. I still want to get a handle on life. I've been on these meds for almost exactly a year and I've never had a problem with them before. I have no idea what would have messed me up now, but I can't take much more of this.