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I am pathetic!!
33 years old, and I have huge relationship problems.
Yeah, so does everyone else...right?
Sure, we all have some sort of relationship issues. The pathetic thing is my relationship issues are with my parents.
I do not date. I'm not actively looking for a partner. I dream about finding a soul mate some day, but I don't do anything to put myself out and around people so that I can meet them.
I guess I feel sad and hurt, and frustrated. When I was a teenager, I would dream of being 23 and in a relationship with someone who loved me. I dreamed I would be a mother, at least three times by now. This dream was what kept me going. It's what helped me survive the life I was stuck in growing up. Now....the person I am is nowhere near the person I thought or longed to be.
Instead, I am a shut in. I'll admit, I like being a shut in. I am safe from people and their harmful agendas. I do not have to crawl out on a limb with my stomach in knots, shaking like a leaf in order to trust someone, only to get my heart and my spirit broken. Yet at the same time....I am lonely. I get most of my caring from my animals. Their love is pure and non-judgmental. Every time I have crawled out on that limb...I fall and it hurts. Why can't I just feel safe crawling out? Why can't their just be a sturdy limb...instead of a flimsy one? And why can't their be someone there that will catch me if I fall? Not because they feel obliged to, but because they want to?
As it is....I am alienated from my Father, and his side of the family. He is "the perfect father" who never did anything wrong. Unless, of course, you consider physical, emotional, and sexual abuse wrong....then he should be in prison. The rest of the family sees perfection when they look at him and in there eyes, he can do no wrong.
Now....I am at the beginnings of the alienation of my mother and her side of the family. For my whole life...my Mother and I have been way to close to each other. We've had a very co-dependent relationship. I have been caught in this guilt spiral with her and am living a State away from where she lives now. I think this is a good thing because it gives me a chance to become my own person. But I am not doing that. I am hiding...and as much as I really want to come out, I am too scared of every one else out in the world.
The other day, on the phone with my Mother, she was laying on the guilt about how hard it was for her to deal with the symptoms of my disorders. WHAT? She talks with me maybe 2-3 times a week for 20 minutes at a time (at the most). She said she is having a difficult time coping with MY issues but that she has been doing her own research, soul searching, and therapy to help her deal with my issues.
So now...my issues have become my mothers? So much that she needs therapy to cope with MY issues?
So I ask her to share with me about the research she has done about my disorders and she said that she has done some reading. Wanting to make sure that she was getting accurate information, I asked what she had been reading and she said "books". I asked "what books?", and she said..."books!!". I said, "yes, I know...but which ones? I want to make sure you're getting accurate information.", and she stated "I'm not going to tell you which books I'm reading. I have to get information on my own." She was being such a snot. Next I asked her what kind of therapy she was doing to help her cope with MY issues and she said "personal therapy". I asked "what does that mean, personal therapy?", and she states "well, I guess that means it's personal."
She wouldn't share anything with me. As far as I'm concerned she hasn't made any attempt to try to understand my disorders or learn to cope with my symptoms. If she had or was, why wouldn't she be willing to share where she was getting her info. I told her that I just wanted to make sure she was getting good info and she said that it was up to her to decide which information was good.
Uuuggg....I hate my parents!! But I don't want to...and it hurts. Especially around the Holidays.
What I hate more is that I'm 33 and still hung up on my parents. What the hell happened to the life I dreamed of having? Was it really just another freakin' fairy tail I made up along the way to get me through?
I just feel like my life is pointless. Sorry for whining...I just needed to get that out.
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