My dearest Elysium,

I am going to share some things with you that I don't think I have shared here ....well, at least all in one posting. Please read them because I believe that we have a lot in common and what I have to say will make some sense to you.

I identify so much with what you are saying. I can tell you what I did that helped me recover and what didn't help me recover from my life of abuse, neglect and illness.

First, my parents were alcoholic. They neglected us kids emotionally. My mother was unable to show love. So, it was necessary for me to divorce myself from her at an early age (19) and leave the state. I had some contact with them occasionally but it took me years and years to realize that I was always trying, even 30 years later, to get their approval. It was a great relief when I said, to hell with them and released myself even that much further from their influence.

I spent a great part of my life working on myself, learning to undo the effects of the abuse and neglect I had suffered. Therapy, self-help, hospitalizations, outpatient group therapy, misdiagnosis of depression, finally correct diagnosis of bipolar II and finally, FINALLY realizing that I had bipolar disorder as a child and my mother had beat me and I had suffered PTSD all my life which made me distrust people and never able to form trusting, complete relationships with ANYONE even though I tried so many times. I was married three times before this came to light. My fourth and current husband is helping me work through this and we are growing closer with each step I make. He is a saint, putting up with all kinds of ****.

I recently took a self-esteem test. I scored very high on it. I thought, if I have such high self-esteem, why don't I have any friends? AHA! Intimacy issues! There's an invisible line that I let no one cross.

Every mental health professional I've talked to in the past ten years says to me, "you need to get out and meet people, make friends." I told them I didn't want to. I always used the fact that I was happy alone as an excuse. And I am. Also, I have a high IQ. I don't really know how to make small talk. But, the truth is, I DON'T TRUST PEOPLE. This is due to PTSD. I am afraid. I couldn't trust the one woman who was supposed to love and protect me. So I learned to not form any kind of trusting relationships.

I am wondering if this is true of you because of your father. Are you trying in vain to trust your mother instead and she simply is not trustworthy? Sounds like she doesn't want to trust YOU. She may be suffering, too. You might want to consider giving up trying to form a closer relationship with her. She may not allow it. She may be using YOUR illness as an excuse or focus for looking into why her own life is or was so miserable.

I think it will take some time, but you will eventually learn to create a new life for yourself. Toxic parents like yours are not healthy for you. It took me a lot longer than 33 years old to totally release my parents' influence and believe it or not, it even changed more after they died. So don't feel bad. It's really a hard thing. And don't wait as long as I did to trust people and create a full and wonderful life for yourself.