I feel like I've been (and am) a bad patient in therapy. My t tries so hard to help me, but i don't seem to appreciate it the way i should. I mean, i do appreciate it alot, but i always seem to get offended or hurt or upset with things she says or does (or doesn't say or do). It's not like I'm horribly argumentative or anything. But I can't seem to just go with the flow and get the good feelings and benefits from what we're doing. I seem to always be in some kind of pain and having a problem, and even though we work hard, it seems like i can't get past some of my big hurdles, like trusting enough to let down my armor and be more real with her, or getting past the transference so that i can see her how she really is, instead of getting hurt because i take things the wrong way or interpret what she did as being like what happened to me with mom as a child.

Also, whenever we start really working on my traumas, i get overwhelmed so easily that i have trouble tolerating the pain, so we never seem to get far with it. We have done skills building, and i am able to use skills in my daily life when i get triggered. But when during the trauma work (EMDR), it gets too intense and i can't seem to deal with it well at all. I try to stay level but i start feeling pulled into the past and begin losing it. My t doesn't feel comfortable offering physical comfort, and i get feeling that the trauma is happening all over again and i can't escape the pain. Then after doing EMDR, i feel retraumatized and have trouble the following week with intrusive thoughts and feelings about my trauma, and i end up needing more support from my t than usual. So we've pretty much stopped even trying to do trauma processing.

We've also tried some other kinds of therapy over the years that were only marginally helpful, like covering some stuff in a DBT book. I just feel that things don't work for me that we try, and i don't know why! I know it probably sounds like I'm just not trying, or don't want to heal. . .or that my t is not effective, but neither is true!!! She is very knowledgable and compassionate and hard working with me, and i truly do put forth so much effort to try to analyze and understand what's going on with me (maybe analyzing it too much). But I dunno. I just can't "get" where it is that i need to go, and i don't know why. In the process, i feel like i'm wearing down my t.

Last week when we were talking, I noticed she had a very sad look in her eyes. She didn't say anything, but i have a way of picking up emotions from people. I really, truly believe that she was feeling sad because i'm in so much pain all the time, but she doesn't know what to do anymore to help me. I know i'm guessing, but i really think that's how she is feeling. I still am picking up on the feelings today, or at least it seems that way.

I left the session feeling like a worm, and still do, because i think working with me is a big drain on her resources. I've probably made a mistake in not telling her more often how she has helped me, and how my therapy is helping me in the real world. I can come up with several ways it has helped me this past year. But since we always talk about my problems, i just don't seem to bring up my progress, plus it's hard for me to brag, and i also worry that if i tell her what has been working for me, she will think i don't need therapy anymore, and i will lose her help. Maybe i should go in there next week and tell her anyway how she has helped me. I just feel like, for the many years i've been in therapy, i should be farther along by now, and i don't know why i am not.

I also have some dissociation problems, what i would describe as "parts" of me that feel conflicting ways about things, and being this way makes our work hard because i'm so changeable. One session i might be feeling really connected and that therapy is going well. A few days later, i might be upset with her for something or just feel disconnected. So often, one part of me feels this way, but anothe part of me feels that way. I know it makes it hard for my t to know what i really need from her, or what would be the best way to move forward, when i don't seem to have a good sense of myself to start with.

I'm still committed to working in therapy, as is my t. But i just feel frustrated today about why it is so complicated and hard for me to make changes and heal. Why i am so SLOW in making progress. And just feeling down about being a drain on my t. I guess i feel alot of shame because i catch myself, very often, when i think about therapy, feeling upset with myself and feeling like i should apologize to my t for being the way i am.

If you have read this whole thing, i'm so grateful, i know it's long. I think i'm just reaching out for some way to understand what's going on for me.