Peaches,
I was in a similar situation with my former T, but unlike you, I was unaware of how I was. My T did get to the point where she questioned whether she was helping me or just allowing me to stay stuck in pain. She even insisted that I tell her at least one positive thing going on in my life at the beginning of each session. at first I was upset at her for making me do that, but then i realized that in doing that i was able to see that there were some positive things in my life and i learned how to stop focusing on the pain 24/7.

But, there came a point where my T realized that she had done all she could and that I needed to move on to another therapist that could help me move on from there. I never thought i could make that kind of change, but it was the answer for me. If you feel that you are not able to make enough progress with your t, perhaps another T could help you better? I know you probably don;t want to hear that, but you have seen her a long time and still can't work through the trauma without feeling retraumatized. That was my problem, I just kept getting stuck in the pain with my former T, and I had no skills to help me cope. DBT helped me to develop a core set of coping skills that I could use so that I could work through the trauma. have you tried DBT? It sounds like maybe you have done DBT but that the skills do not work for you. The T that i have now (I've been with her for a long time too) really helped to coach me in the moment of distress when I got stuck in states of extreme pain. It also helped me to shift my mind to wanting to make it work. There was a part of me (however small) that was afraid to get better for fear that I would lose help. I have found my T is more willing to help when she feels that she does help.

And I did not lose my former T, we stay in touch through email and she still cares very much about me, but she is no longer my therapist. I was able to taper off with her while building a new therapeutic relationship with another T. I did not feel a traumatic loss because it was a smooth transition, and my new T had a very different style, which helped me more (even though I didn't think i would like her style in the beginning). and I was extremely attached to my other T, EXTREMELY!!! Her style included lots of physical comfort, but it didn't help me. So be careful what you wish for. Sometimes what we want from a therapist is not what we need (I think imapatient said that in another thread) and that is very true, but hard to believe!