My Support Forums - View Single Post

lynn09 · Nov 20, 2009, 04:38 PM

Hi, (((((Zen))))) In the late-80s, my first therapist, Juanita, asked me a very simple question one day in therapy: "Lynn, you do know that you have the right to say 'No,' don't you?" That turned out to be one of those "lightning-bolt" events. Between that session and the next one the following week, my mind had completely reprocessed my entire life history in light of this revelation regarding boundaries. That's when I realized that I not only had the right to set boundaries, but a responsibility to myself and others to set those appropriate boundaries; to limit how far into my life I permitted others to come, as well as how far into the lives of others that I allowed myself to be dragged.

Learning to set healthy, appropriate, and reasonable boundaries is an essential part of a human being's mental and emotional development and singularly necessary for us to define our own identities by developing healthy self-awareness, self-confidence, self-respect, self-determination, etc. This normal development process is what we were denied by our abusers who violated our innate sense of boundaries and invaded our personal space in order to forcibly impose on us identities that they had created, defining us as being bad, unworthy, valueless, and deserving only of their and others' contempt and disdain in order to justify abusing us to themselves, others, and even us, to manipulate others into abusing us for them, and damaging or even destroying our fragile and newly developing boundaries and sense of self-worth.

As for your brother, Zen - being that he is a "mental healthcare professional," he knows better than to play that "diagnosis" game in a situation where he does not have professional expertise and/or objectivity. He is not authorized or qualified to evaluate, diagnose, and/or prescribe treatment for you, and you have not contracted with him to provide you with any form of healthcare. Whether he realizes it or not, he is violating your boundaries just like any other abuser, as well as violating his professional ethics. I'm certain that he would not appreciate anyone interfering in his treatment of a client, and he should know better than to invade that sacrosanct relationship between you and your doctors/therapists. His "psychoanalyzing" your every word, act, and emotion, and automatically declaring them all to be symptomatic of your mental condition is irresponsible, condescending, dismissive, demeaning, invalidating, insulting, unprofessional, and unethical - this is psychological/emotional ABUSE and it's high time that we all recognize it for and call it what it truly is.

Further, just like every other "normal" person on this planet, each and every one of us with MIs has every right to be "confrontational" within reason when someone violates our boundaries. One of the fastest ways to identify an abuser is to make your boundaries known and enforce them - abusers cannot stand to have their sense of superiority, power, and control over others challenged and they will do anything and everything they can to violate others' boundaries through deception and manipulation and/or through coercion, bullying, and intimidation.

The other thing that really gets me is that your brother was storing his friend's adult movies in your basement even though he knows full well how you were abused by your father throughout your childhood!! And then to make it your responsibility to dispose of them? How incredibly irresponsible and insensitive - especially on the part of an alleged "mental healthcare professional!"

Zen, I know that your brother is pretty much the only family that you have; however, you (and the rest of us) should be able to trust that your family members will always treat you BETTER than the rest of the world treats you. If your biological family members do not treat you with the same respect and consideration that they expect from you, and if they treat others with more respect and consideration than they show you, then you must create your own "family" by developing mutually-respectful and considerate relationships with others.

This is just my 2-cents worth - I'll get off my soapbox, now!