Quote:
Originally Posted by TayQuincy
Peaches,
I was in a similar situation with my former T, but unlike you, I was unaware of how I was. My T did get to the point where she questioned whether she was helping me or just allowing me to stay stuck in pain. She even insisted that I tell her at least one positive thing going on in my life at the beginning of each session. at first I was upset at her for making me do that, but then i realized that in doing that i was able to see that there were some positive things in my life and i learned how to stop focusing on the pain 24/7.
But, there came a point where my T realized that she had done all she could and that I needed to move on to another therapist that could help me move on from there. I never thought i could make that kind of change, but it was the answer for me. If you feel that you are not able to make enough progress with your t, perhaps another T could help you better? I know you probably don;t want to hear that, but you have seen her a long time and still can't work through the trauma without feeling retraumatized. That was my problem, I just kept getting stuck in the pain with my former T, and I had no skills to help me cope. DBT helped me to develop a core set of coping skills that I could use so that I could work through the trauma. have you tried DBT? It sounds like maybe you have done DBT but that the skills do not work for you. The T that i have now (I've been with her for a long time too) really helped to coach me in the moment of distress when I got stuck in states of extreme pain. It also helped me to shift my mind to wanting to make it work. There was a part of me (however small) that was afraid to get better for fear that I would lose help. I have found my T is more willing to help when she feels that she does help.
And I did not lose my former T, we stay in touch through email and she still cares very much about me, but she is no longer my therapist. I was able to taper off with her while building a new therapeutic relationship with another T. I did not feel a traumatic loss because it was a smooth transition, and my new T had a very different style, which helped me more (even though I didn't think i would like her style in the beginning). and I was extremely attached to my other T, EXTREMELY!!! Her style included lots of physical comfort, but it didn't help me. So be careful what you wish for. Sometimes what we want from a therapist is not what we need (I think imapatient said that in another thread) and that is very true, but hard to believe!
|
Hi TayQuincy,
Thanks for the thoughtful response. You brought out a lot of good points. Frankly, though, your reply scares me to death. The reason is because i am SOOOO attached to my t and the thought of her not being able to help me anymore -- and needing to find a new t -- grieves me deeply! I don't think I could bear to do it! I have been with her for a long time, and she means so much to me! On the other hand, i know that if it becomes apparent that she really can't help me get through the barriers, i should consider changing t's. I guess i just don't think that my t is the problem. I think it's me. . .I'm treatment resistant or something.
There have been 2 or 3 times during the years i've worked with my t that she has questioned whether she has enough skills to help me with my issues. What makes me such a hard client, I think, is that I have very thick defenses, a definite "come close, stay away" type presentation because of my great desire for/fear of intimacy, and also my issues are a mix of depressive/GAD/BPD/PTSD symptoms, and i also have mid-level dissociation (perhaps DDNOS, but not DID). So i run the gamut as far as my issues are concerned. . .I am not an easily diagnosable, treatable, neat little package. I'm psychologically messy.
I also tend to stay in my head alot to avoid my emotions. So i often can't access my feelings in therapy because i either feel completely numb to my feelings, or they break out like a dambreak and are way too strong. It's hard to process anything when i'm on each far end of the spectrum. I also dissociate during trauma work or when under too much stress, and that makes me fluctuate from being a rational, calm adult to acting and feeling like a scared, vulnerable, needy child. So i feel like a big tangled up mess. I think that's why my t sometimes questions if she knows enough to help me. I just don't think i could switch t's! I think it's awesome that you found the strength to change when it became necessary. It sounds like your t really helped you during the transition and made sure you could still maintain some sort of relationship with her. If i had to change t's, i know i would need that too. I've told her before that when she retires (probably in the next year or two), i really couldn't tolerate the idea of never seeing or hearing from her again. She did indicate that we would still have some occasional contact (email or phone).
I like your idea of telling your t one thing each week that was positive in your life. I really should try this because i notice than if all we do is talk about pain and problems, then all i think about and feel is pain and problems. Almost 24/7. Just like you did.
Regarding DBT, I actually took the DBT classes, but during that time, the instructors changed three different times. We were always in transition, and none of the instructors required us to do the homework. When we did do the homework, we never got around to talking about it because we would start every DBT meeting with a check-in. Almost every week, one person or another would be having a crisis, and we would end up talking about their problem for the first 2/3 of the class. Then the last 1/3 they would introduce a new set of skills. So it never "came together" for me enough to work. Awhile back, my t and I started going through a DBT book together, but we only got halfway through and then ended up going a different direction. We never did get back to it. I've thought about telling my t that i want to go back to spending part of our sessions discussing the DBT skills. Our problem in therapy has always been in trying to decide "what" we should work on first, due to my many issues. Sometimes, it feels as if we chase after one issue, but get sidetracked onto a second, then maybe start into a third before issue one comes up again. Like we can't "complete" anything.
I am curious to know how your first t and second t differed. Why was your first t unable to help you more? What's different about t No. 2 that has enabled you to move farther ahead? I'm really curious. I also wonder since you were so attached to t No. 1, how were you able to emotionally handle the switch? Was email and touching base by phone enough for you, or did you grieve and feel the loss deeply? And if so, for how long was it really hard? Just wondering, in case i ever have to do what you did.