I just joined this group tonight. I was diagnosed Bipolar pretty recently, in the last few months. I'm 31. I went to therapy to talk about finding out that my father had been living a double life, cheating since before I was born. I talked about "feeling very emotional" through all this stuff. After weeks of monitoring my moods, she started talking about manic-depression.
For most of my life, I just thought there was something strange about me, but couldn't say what. I have always been very creative, quirky and interesting, but have really had a hard time getting close to people. I remember being in college, the last time that I went for years without smoking marijuana. In that environment, because so many people were workaholics, it didn't seem odd to anyone that I spent about a year sleeping about 2 hours per night. About once a week I just wouldn't go to sleep at all. I was working two jobs, and had a school workload about one and a half times normal, as well as multiple hobbies. As the stress piled up, I just kept pushing forward.
After I graduated, I experienced a horrible crash in my mood and energy. I spent about a year too depressed to leave the house most of the time, or even to get out of bed. I lost many friends during these cycles. I didn't understand that this all wasn't normal. I just knew that I could identify with the Flash, feeling like people around me are moving and talking in slow motion. And I knew that I sometimes just felt overwhelmed by life, which I attributed to stress or illness. I remembered that marijuana had helped before, so I resolved to never quit again.
After college, things seemed to always be in turmoil. I switched jobs every few months, and finally settled on being a temp because that way the job would end before I wore out my welcome. I would always kick *** in the job at first, and then inexplicably get sick of it, and be unable to handle it anymore. My employers all said that I picked the job up faster than anyone they have ever seen, but they just needed more consistency. I was never able to give it.
My relationships with women didn't fare much better. Most people knew me as a really awesome guy who just disappears on a regular basis. But one person saw what was really going on. I was living with someone, on track to get married. Things started to go wrong when she saw what I was like behind closed doors. I would sometimes be able to impress her greatly with my skills, but would then crash to the point where I didn't want to leave the house, speak, or acknowledge her in any way. I was very moody. Sometimes I experienced huge boosts to my sex drive and wanted more than she could comfortably give. My jobs suffered, I was often unemployed, I started huge projects I couldn't follow through on, I was smoking a lot, my finances suffered, and I reacted defensively when she pushed me to do better. It was confusing for her because I was like her dream boyfriend some of the time. She often walked around the house humming "I have two lovers" to herself. She finally left.
I reacted manically. I went back to school, and plowed through an MA in history. I did really well, but my extreme inconsistency lead to multiple charges of plagiarism. None of the charges stuck, but it was still really stressful and I didn't understand why it was happening.
I eventually made a nice little tutoring career for myself, but just resolved to never quit THC, or to live with anyone again. I learned to manage my mood swings much better. I kept up appearances very well, exercised when I was low, smoked when I was up, and things went OK. I called in sick whenever I was very up or down, so nobody suspected that I was "very emotional". Basically, I only left the house when I was even, because I got so sick of people looking at me like I was crazy whenever I acted like myself. I got sick of explaining myself all the time. I hated how people would constantly ask me why I'm not married yet. I hated how judgmental and demanding people could be. I just thought that most people were just difficult to get along with. I liked people, but hated how I felt whenever I was around them.
Now that I have been diagnosed, things just seem to make so much more sense. I understand many things so much better about myself. I have been able to forgive myself for many mistakes that I have made. However, I have had to spend a lot of time simply feeling angry about this. It seems obvious to me that, in addition to the genetics of it, this was originally triggered by a very chaotic upbringing. I have had to deal with a lot of anger toward my relatives who knowingly passed this down, who kept information from me about relatives being hospitalized and killing themselves during these phases, and who let my environment be horribly unstable and stressful when I was young and vulnerable.
Mostly, I have felt like my whole life was sabotaged before I even knew what was happening. I always just assumed that I would get married and have kids. There was never any doubt in my mind. Now I'm not sure about anything. I have had real trouble getting close to anyone, and I truly wonder who would be able to live with me for 20 years or more. Even if I could find that, would I really want to pass this on?
My anger about this didn't stop me from seeking treatment, however. There were two great reasons to try it. First, I have had to admit that the turmoil in my life has stemmed more from my internal processes than from outside stress. I simply felt bad a lot of the time. If there was no reason to, I would find a reason. I'm tired of that. Second, I believe that I could have managed this thing on my own and been OK. I would have survived, but I have to recognize how my problems with people have stemmed from this. I often felt lonely, but refused to let anyone see my extremes. Also, small interactions with people could set me off into massive mood swings. I need to see if I can get closer to others if I can get a handle on this.
I started Paxil and Lamictal this week. Literally, the day I started them I felt better than I had in about ten years. I was still me. I was still emotional, creative, and a bit unpredictable, but I wouldn't get so overwhelmed by emotion that I couldn't function. I go to bed at the same time every night. If I miss sleep, I really feel it the next day, like normal people do. I am so much clearer about how I feel, and can deal with people immediately and appropriately. I found that almost all my desire for THC is just gone. Now I just wish that I had started this ten years ago.
But I still wonder what my life is going to be like 5 years from now. Keeping people at arms length is such an old habit for me that I'm not sure how to break it. As a man, I am expected to make the first move on women, but shyness has been such a defining characteristic of my life. I did all this in the hope that I can now cultivate the kind of relationships with people that I have always needed, but I don't know what is going to happen. All I know is that this is completely new.
Is there someone out there who has had the same problem with intimacy due to this? Anyone who has been able to manage it? Anyone in a relationship with any advice? I feel like I have so much going for me now, if only I can get past the feeling that I am now ten years behind everyone else in terms of how I socialize.