I recently dropped out of therapy (again). Aside from not being able to trust, the issue was that I just don't want to feel better. I don't want to be happy. What I want is for my life to be over. I don't want it to change, I want it to end. (Please note that I am in no way actively suicidal)

And given this, I felt like it was wrong for me to continue in therapy. I wanted to go because I wanted something to be there every week, something to.... well, "look forward to" doesn't seem the right phrase since I dreaded it at the same time as I waited anxiously for it to arrive.... But I didn't want to do the exercises that teach you how to cope/feel better....because I didn't want to feel better. And I couldn't trust enough to ever really say what was on my mind, so I couldn't talk in any detail about the issues I was dealing with.

But now I have nothing and am alone. With no focal point to carry me from one week to the next. And with no hope for anything to change - when I went to therapy, there was always that (albeit very tiny and remote) hope that maybe, maybe something would happen in therapy that would make a difference.

But if I don't want to change, if I don't want to make any effort to be happy, am I not just wasting the therapist's time? Just paying for someone to essentially just sit and "be with me" for one hour a week - so for that one hour I don't have to be alone? Wouldn't the money spent on therapy do more good being given to a charity, and the therapist's time be better spent helping someone that did want to change? Is it not just an act of selfishness to go to therapy when you don't want to change?