imapatient we are extremely similiar in many many ways. I completely understand what you are saying. I can put on a happy face and pretend with the best of them, well I could years ago, I don't even make that effort anymore.

I work menial jobs these days because they are the only ones I can get or perhaps feel I deserve. I'm able to go to work today, but I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I cannot even tell you how many medications and combinations I've been on. When one would start to make me feel better I would have so much hope that finally I may be able to get my life back in order, to somehow still live up to the potential I once had. But time and time again that hope was short lived, until I do not feel it anymore. I have no definate proof, but I believe that my memory problems these days are a result of being on so many different medications through the years.

When I say I battle every day to go to work, it isn't a "boy I'd rather stay home today" it's the little things, the nausea, diarrhea, and my limbs feeling like they're made of lead that make it so difficult. Once I wake up (if I've been lucky enough to sleep) in the morning and feel the dismay of making it through another night, I pray for the courage to take a shower, sometimes the process of convincing myself to get out of bed takes too long and I have to skip that step, then its just give me the strength to get dressed. I lost any sort of pride in my appearance in my 20s. I do not wear make up, my hair goes up in a quick bun, and my uniform is laid out for me in the bathroom but this process still takes over an hour and a half. I have alarms set for me on my phone, by the time this one goes off I have to have had my shower, next one I have to have my hair brushed and up, next dressed, next in the car, next leaving the driveway, etc etc etc.

I just have to make it to the next alarm. Family and friends know I depend upon that phone to get through the day. They have no idea how important those alarms are to me, but they don't understand why I don't answer the phone. I was so happy when we got rid of our land line I cannot even tell you. The sound of that phone ringing alone was enough to make me pull the covers over my head and hide.

I know my neighbors think I'm some sort of a lunatic, sitting in the driveway each day trying to find the strength to turn the car on, then back out of the driveway. Most of the time I'm talking to myself, reminding myself what would happen if I didn't. I get so angry sometimes because I think of all the time I've wasted, and feel resentment that billions of people every day are able to do all of these things without a thought. And these are my good days.

I'm not being judgemental, I'm angry and jealous.