Thank you everyone for your comments - I really appreciate them and your advice about what to do because I am at such a crossroads now.

Same thing with the medication as with therapy - yes, I have it - but I only take a minimal amount (just enough so I can pull through each day) vs what I am allowed to take per day because I don't want to be happy. It feels like taking pills just to make me artificially happy isn't right.

I have felt this way for almost 30 years now and where i am today, it is just too messy, too complicated and I can't fix any of it. I just don't have what it takes to fix it (which is further supported by the fact that had I been able to fix everything, I would have done it by now as I have been struggling for almost three decades and it only keeps getting worse and messier, never any better).

I don't know. I really don't know. And it rips my heart out each time I have to leave a T when I have failed at therapy and have to quit. Even when things aren't working at all with a T, they are still the most important person in my life and having to give them up and lose them causes me unbearable pain. (I have had several across the years)

I have a secondary T I kind of still talk to - he uses the client centered therapy approach that was mentioned (which I think is new for me vs past T's) along with CBT. But I am thinking I should just give up with him too, rather than be selfish and waste his time when I am more interested in giving up and being resigned to failure than doing what it takes to be "happy".

I admire how so many of you are working so hard in therapy (as per the other threads) - and how you can be open and honest with your T's and how you really do want to work through your issues and succeed. My hat goes off to all of you - you are very strong and brave.