It is just that there is nothing I want from life that makes it worthwhile having to endure all my issues (or go through what it would take to resolve them). For me, the benefits of what I could potentially get from life do not outweigh the costs. I know that sounds terrible and I should be thankful or the life I have been given and live it to the fullest.

I have had therapists state what you guys have said - that is ok for me just to go - that I don't have to feel obligated to make all these changes to justify being there - that it will come with time, when I'm ready....but then they turn around and DO want me to try to do things (that I can't do) and to change and aim for things and take steps towards the future...and pressure me. When all I want to do is make it through today. And then tomorrow. And then the next. I don't have long term goals because I just want to make it through each long day that lasts forever.

And I admit I DO want you all to tell me it is ok - that I can still go but I know in my heart it is wrong. And every time I go back and try again, I know it will just lead to a broken heart when I fail and can't do what they expect of me and have to give up another T that I have become so dependent on...

Thanks for letting me vent.