I understand how you feel. My grandmother passed away 14 years ago, but you'd swear it was almost yesterday. She loved me and I knew it was honest, genuine love. Broken, damaged and all, she loved me. It was hard for all of us. I start to think that I'm just bringing people down too, but honestly, we're only holding ourselves back. The dark cloud comes and makes it hard to see clearly. I like to think that she's watching out for me, from somewhere and she wouldn't want to see me suffering; torturing myself. It's hard though, I know, the loneliness grabs ahold and won't let go, at least that's what it feels like. I feel utterly alone right now, that's why I started looking for groups online. Try to be kind to yourself.