The semester schedule here is really messed up. Basically classes end, we go home for Christmas for two weeks, we come back for three weeks to write exams, then we have another 2-3 weeks off. It's a HUGE pain, especially for international students who need to fly home -- it's really expensive and overseas travel is just not fun.

In my first year, I didn't go home for that second break. I was INCREDIBLY lonely because everybody else did go home, and I spent two weeks pretty much all on my own cut off from everyone else. In second year, I went home because my depression was so bad I couldn't face being alone like that again, and in all honesty I didn't feel safe not having people around to look out for me. This year, I have to decide whether or not to go home for that second break.

The thing is, it's really expensive to keep flying back and forth. But my dad said he'd pay for it "if you think you need it for your sanity." I did not like the way he said it, even though I know he didn't really mean anything by it and it's just very difficult for him to talk about my depression at all (we don't bring it up in my family unless absolutely necessary and my parents tend to skirt nervously around the subject most of the time).

I do want to go back home again, as long as we can afford it. If my parents said that it was putting a financial strain on them I'd gladly stay here -- I'm much more stable now and I'd be able to relax in relative peace for two weeks, as I do kind of like how quiet it gets around campus when everybody leaves. But over the Christmas break, I only get two weeks, one of which is always spent in Florida, so I only get a week to see my friends and extended family -- usually I can't spend more than an hour or so with any one person and that's the last time I see them until April. The holidays are always so stressful and I never feel like I get to just be at home and relax. I don't have any really close friends here in Scotland. I know that generally people say they make their best, lifelong friends at university, but I've never had that experience. The closest friends I have are all back in Canada -- I talk to them every day, we're completely up to date on each other's lives, and they've helped me a lot through my depression. Here, my friends are basically good acquaintances and I doubt that we'll keep in touch once we graduate. All this is to say that on top of missing my friends back home, I miss the closeness and love I get at home that I just don't feel here.

One of my friends from Canada is coming to stay with me for a week in February. My parents said that they'd foot the bill for the trip we're making to London for a few days, if I didn't come home after exams. It would save me and them a lot of money. I don't know if they want me to stay here for financial reasons or because my "being able" to stay here would be proof of my "sanity". They'd never tell me not to come home, they're just putting me in a really awkward position by asking me to choose.

I told my mom that if they can find me a cheap flight, I'd like to come home. I feel bad because my parents spend so much money on me already and this isn't a necessary trip -- not like last year, when I felt unsafe being left alone. This year, I just want to avoid two weeks of being lonely and homesick. I know that I would be much happier at home, I just don't know whether that's worth actually going back for when I'm no longer at any kind of risk.