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Originally Posted by jexa
((((((((((peaches))))))))))
Well, I can relate. I’m so sorry you’re frustrated by your lack of progress – I feel the same way and then often blame myself for not trying hard enough, for not being brave enough to make the changes I need to make. That is a distortion, a lie my mind is telling me. I try very hard, and spend a lot of time trying to figure this all out. And clearly you are the same. You want so much to get better, but there are a lot of road blocks. I know it’s hard not to blame yourself when treatment isn’t working, but there are always new approaches to try, and something is bound to work. Like TayQuincy said, possibly moving to a new T would be better if the current one hasn’t worked out. I know that’s hard because of attachment but doing things as TayQuincy did (very healthy transition!) may help you if changing Ts is what you decide to do.
I think what helps me is looking at ways I could actually measure that change, concrete goals. How can you know if you’re progressing if there’s no way to measure it, you know? I have social phobia, and one of my concrete therapy goals is “make two friends I can comfortably invite out to coffee.” When I can do that, I’ll know I’ve progressed. Also, it gives me something to work toward, so I know the path I’m on and don’t feel like I’m in therapy limbo. Maybe there is something concrete that will show you that you’ve made progress?
I think one big thing that might be halting your progress is your fear that if you get better, your therapist will want to terminate with you. Maybe it’s not the main thing in the way, but I know it’s been one of my major roadblocks. But I’m starting to see past that fear because (1) if I’m still this afraid of terminating with my therapist by the time I’ve “gotten better,” I haven’t gotten better enough to quit therapy, and (2) there are always things to work on, and if you recognize them and present them to your therapist, she will not terminate with you as she will see the benefit therapy can still have for you.
Many hugs. Let us know how your next session goes, okay?
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Hi Jexa,
Your post made me feel a little better. You acknowledged that i want to get better and am really trying, but there are alot of roadblocks. I think that's alot of the problem. The roadblocks are all lined up, and once we get past one, there's another to get over.
I thought about changing t's, but i honestly don't want to. I'm just too attached to my current t. Plus, it has taken years to develop enough trust in her just to start to be vulnerable and open. I don't want to start all over from square one with somebody new.
But i like what you said about having concrete, measurable goals. Very specific ones. I think this would work for me because i get very down on myself about not being able to do more faster. If i set goals, i'll be able to see that surely i've made some progress, even if i haven't been able to accomplish all i wanted to do over the year. My t and i talked today about what i've accomplished this year in therapy, and i was actually able to come up with some things i've progressed on. My t also said i have made some good progress. So the problem may be that i am just never satisfied with my own efforts. At home as a child, my parents thought i was lazy, and i never felt like what i did was ever good enough. So i tend to see myself that way now.
The biggest hurdle i have in therapy now, my therapist said, is that i feel i can't ask her for what i need (or ask others in my life for support). She acknowledged that she made a mistake in the past when i wanted a hug and she didn't give me one. She said she had been overly cautious. She knows now how much vulnerability and courage it too me to ask for that hug, and how her not acting on my request (repeatedly) felt every bit as damaging as in my childhood, where i needed comfort from my parents and did not get it. It felt like a recapitulation of being in pain and need, and everybody ignoring it and letting it happen.
I appreciate that she understands how much pain this caused me and that she apologized. But having spent years building up the courage to ask, and then having my need go unmet, has caused me to go all closed up into myself again. i honestly don't know if it's possible for me to make myself vulnerable to her again. I know it's not fair to her. She did apologize. Everybody makes mistakes. But i just can't take the chance again. I feel like i got fooled last time. As the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. But fool me twice, shame on me." I would rather just deny or suffocate my needs than to feel powerless and at anybody's mercy like that again. Somehow, i have to get over feeling this way, because it will stand in the way of my therapy.