hi. well, you said you get aroused with your boyfriend but seem afraid to give it a try. when you find the right boyfriend and believe the time is right, suggest you give it a try. do everything you can to make it a positive experience and make sure it's safe. the first time can be awkward and your boyfriend needs to be caring, patient and understanding. With some positive experiences you should be better able to answer your questions. where do your beliefs that sexuality is yucky, horrible and humiliating come from? who taught you them? i don't think that anyone learns much about sexuality from porn. porn is staged sex for impersonal entertainment. when you have sex, seek deeper companionship as well as enjoyment with a special person. give it some time and be patient with yourself, sometimes it takes a while to get the hang of it and to find the right person! Focus on meeting your emotional needs, not what it looks like!