The "black goo" is the only way I can describe the feeling. It's a painful sensation that starts from the heart and spreads slowly, moving like goo, every time I feel "depressed." I don't know how else to explain it. I've always been able to translate feelings and concepts to images and colors, and I don't think I can explain it any better.

I don't really view myself as smart, to be honest. That's probably coming from my low self esteem, but my grades could be a lot better. My GPA is hovering over the low 90s right now, and all the others at my school have 95+. The only classes I get 95+ at are my computer science classes and my music class.

I do spend a bit of time with people that have similar interests as me, though only in school. I don't do the whole "hanging out, going to movies" thing. But what bothers me is that the other computer "nerds" I spend time with aren't nerds at all. They have seemingly normal lives. They're happy and get grades that are better than mine. There seems to be absolutely nothing wrong with them, and it makes me jealous.

As for the girls, I've given up. I don't even care any more. The emotional baggage others bring are not worth it. Besides, girls are attracted to confident alpha males, not some emotionally messed up kid with little to no self esteem. And, I'm incapable of maintaining a relationship anyways; I'm too emotionally distant. If I don't get too close, I'm not going to get hurt, right? As for now, I'm just going to focus on my schoolwork, get better grades, and maybe start over in college.

I know that eventually I'm gonna have to ditch my fantasy "girlfriend" and my puppy and grow up, and that scares the hell out of me.